Lowering the Feed Limit

I am not a failure.

I am not a failure.

I am not a failure.

If I tell myself this enough, maybe I’ll believe it.

I hate going to the gym.

Well, not HATE, exactly, but I really have to work to get myself to go. And today I’m feeling really awful about myself.

If you read this blog much, and I know no one really does because I don’t update it, you know that I often don’t feel good about myself. At least that’s what it seems like if you read these posts. Seems like the only time I update is when I’m feeling down.

Maybe it is the only time. Then, fine, that’s when I do it. Maybe that’s because that’s when I feel the need to write all this junk out.

About six or seven weeks ago, my mother died. And, darn it, I miss her!

Anyway, I was doing great, weight wise, before that. I was 10 pounds from my goal weight and the lowest I’d been in years! I was feeling great about myself and confident that I could do this.

Then I had a whirlwind of travel, funerals (she had two – one in Ohio where she lived and one in PA where she grew up and where she raised us kids and where her family is), and FOOD. Families do that, you know. They feed you.

Anyway, after being away from Weight Watchers about two weeks, I’d only gained two pounds, which I felt was pretty good, given everything.

However, I haven’t been able to get back on track since then.

I’ve been having some minor back/hip pain which my chiropractor says could be stress related – since, of course, there’s been some stress. However, my appointments with her have been at the same time as the fun classes at the Y – hip hop and kickboxing. I love the classes and they push me in ways I wouldn’t myself. I took two of the classes before I went to see the chiropractor and since she wants to see me every other day until the pain is gone, I’ve missed the classes since then (they are on Mon, Wed, and Fridays – same as my appt.).

I’m still wearing my bodybugg and wanting to get back on track, but today I feel like it’s not happening and that goes for so much else in my life right now.

Tomorrow my father-in-law and I are flying up to Ohio again and renting a truck to drive a bunch of my mom’s stuff back here. I guess some of what I’m feeling is that I have to face all that, and while I know it’s all a part of the grieving process and all, I, frankly, wish it were all behind me.

Add to that all the normal stresses of being a mom and right now I feel overwhelmed. No wonder I want to eat and then just curl up on a bed and read a book!

Well, I have been given ONE task to do today – instead of trying to do everything. I need to mail an appeal to our insurance company and then I’m going to the gym and try to get some exercise in.

Pray for me. And thanks for stopping by.

Well, I’ve finished my second full week wearing this little gem.

Last week I figured I’d lose about 1.5 pounds so when I lost only .2 I was pretty upset. I couldn’t figure it out.

On Thursday, I had my coaching session with a Bodybugg coach. She walked me through the website and showed me some things I didn’t know about even with all my playing around on the site. She also said to give things another week and see what we might need to change.

Well, I started weighing my food after talking to her because, as she said, I might have been underestimating how big a portion I’m eating.

Well, what I found explains EVERYTHING – all the problems I’ve been having getting to my goal, all the weeks I should have been down and wasn’t, EVERYTHING!

Popcorn has more calories than I ever could have imagined.

I LOVE popcorn and clearly was underestimating how much of it I eat. I looked one night at how many calories I had left and thought I would figure out how much popcorn I could have. Turned out to be about two handfuls!

Not even a bowl full.

Seeing this, I realized that at least twice a week, I was eating half a big bowl (shared with Beloved), and I was assuming it was only a few cups and totally messing up the points (on WW) or calories.

This week I weighed everything (well, after Thursday’s coaching session).

I lost THREE pounds this week!!! Three pounds!!!

And that was being sick yesterday and not really being able to exercise much. We went to Pizza Hut on Friday and I went out with my writers’ group on Saturday! And I lost 3 pounds!

I love this little thing!!!

Okay, so it sounds like something you’d need to see a doctor for, but after having this thing for only two full days, I’m convinced it’s going to help me finally get a handle on this weight loss thing.

I first heard of the Bodybugg because I’m a Biggest Loser addict and this season (I think) I heard them talk about how the contestants all wore one and I saw a couple of them on the arms of people on the show.

I checked out the website and saw a little bit about what this little gadget can do.

I showed the information to my husband. He knows how much I’ve been struggling with my weight.

In 1999, I lost 40+ pounds doing the Atkins diet, under the supervision of a doctor in the Atkins Center in New York City. And just so you know, it wasn’t just unlimited meat and fat, and it was very restrictive for me due to my kidney situation.

Anyway, I kept that weight off for two years until I had my kidney transplant in 2001. Then, due to the strong meds I have to take, I gained it all back.

So, since 2005, when we moved to Baton Rouge, I’ve been trying to find a way to get back to my pre-transplant weight.

I’ve been doing Weight Watchers for three years and I love this program. I love the support of the meetings, I love the good nutrition information and the whole “This is a life style” approach to healthy eating.

When I did Atkins, I didn’t enjoy the “diet.” I enjoyed that the weight came off quickly and I had so much energy, but the idea of eating like that forever just freaked me out.

Never again have a bagel? Never be able to have a cupcake or muffin? And, frankly, the Aktins bars made me gag. (This was 10 years ago and things may have changed. This is just my opinion based on what I experienced then.)

The doctor I saw talked about eating this restrictive way for the rest of my life and I knew I wasn’t going to.

So, when we moved here, I took a couple of weight loss classes at our local Y and I never really learned anything new about food, but I learned about the cardio machines and I loved the group atmosphere – knowing other people who were going through the same thing.

And I did lose some weight with that.

However, our instructor got pregnant and stopped the weight loss classes.

I thought I knew what I needed to do so I figured I could do it on my own.

Well, as you can figure out, given this blog, I couldn’t do it on my own.

I stopped logging food, slacked off on the exercise and kinda gave up.

I realized I needed some kind of support. My sister-in-law was doing Weight Watchers so I suggested to my husband that I try that.

After joining WW, I got to -18 pounds at one point and I really wanted to work for WW. But I just, for whatever reason, couldn’t lose that last few pounds I needed.

I’m back on the program now, and I’ve been doing pretty well. For the last two weeks I’ve done better tracking and have lost.

My husband has been talking about getting me a Bodybugg for awhile, and Friday when he came home from work he gave it to me.

Apparently, he’d ordered it without telling me and it was at our front door and I didn’t know it.

This cute little electronic gadget straps to my upper arm, against my tricep muscle, and it keeps track of all the calories I’m burning all the time. It uses body temp, air temp, heart rate and other body indicators to calculate my calorie burn.

BodyBugg

Then with a USB cable I can download that information into my computer and it shows me, in 15 minute intervals, the number of calories per minute – on average – I burned at that time.

It can also show me how many steps I’ve taken. It’s interesting to look at the chart and see that I took three steps at 3 am while I was asleep!

Beloved likes to look with me and figure out how many calories I burned cleaning the guinea pig cages or going to Mass. He’s actually jealous now. Hee Hee.

Like other weight loss programs, I need to log my food and then the program figures out what my calorie surplus or deficit is. Of course, to lose weight I need a deficit. So far, for the weekend, I had an almost 2000 calorie deficit.

The neat thing about this is, I’m aware that it’s tracking the calories all the time so I want to be more active. I know that typing on the computer isn’t burning very much, so already today, I’ve folded a load of laundry and swept the deck, just to get a little extra calories burned.

Always before, when I was only counting points, I was dependent on how intense I thought an exercise was. I could ride my bike at home and assume it was high intensity, but as the monitor on the bike is broken, I don’t know how fast or how far I rode. I think I overestimated my exercise points sometimes.
With the Bodybugg I can’t really do that. On the other hand, WW doesn’t give you many exercise points for weight training but my informal survey seems to indicate that I work off almost the same amount of calories lifting as walking.

I intend to say with Weight Watchers because I love the support system and their plan is something you can live with. I like actually tracking calories rather than points, though.

So far, I’ve only had this toy two days, so I can’t say whether I”ve lost any weight using it. I do have a weigh-in in a little while, but this won’t be an accurate test, but we’ll see how next week goes.

We went to Greenwood Plantation Saturday for a romantic overnight stay. It was wonderful, and beautiful as you can see from the picture above. We didn’t actually stay in the plantation itself but on the other side of a small lake, but we toured the plantation house twice and took a ton of pictures. I have an idea for a new book, this one a ghost story.

The biggest problem with this trip was that when I came back I’d gained 2.2 pounds. Beloved said not to worry; we were going to handle it, but you know, if you’re struggling to lose weight, you do worry.

A week ago, I’d been the lowest I’d been since the start of the year and here it is MAY and I’d finally gotten 7 pounds down. In one weekend I messed up it all.

Yes, it was a special occasion (it was my 50th birthday gift and Mother’s day), but that doesn’t matter or it shouldn’t. I should be able to do what everyone else can do. I should be able to lose 1 pound a week, but you know, I celebrate losses of .4. It’s pathetic.

I’ve been doing Weight Watchers for THREE YEARS, and YAY, I’ve lost 5 STINKIN’ POUNDS. I feel like giving up.

A few weeks ago, we went to Cheeburger Cheeburger, a yummy 50s style restaurant. The Girl loves it and she was right. It was fun and delicious.

However, nearly every other person in the place was overweight. Not a little. Not like, “I can stand to lose 20 pounds.” I’m talking Biggest Loser Week 1 heavy! I felt terrible sitting there. Was I going to look like that if I eat there?

Then there was this weird thought in my head. I looked at some of those people and I thought, “They don’t count points. They don’t worry about what they eat. They could have a chocolate peanut butter milkshake without feeling guilty.”

It seems like there was a freedom there. My biggest stumbling block is that food TASTES good and that’s what gets me eating when I’m not hungry. That’s what makes me want something fried and yummy but high in points. It’s what keeps me staring at my reflection and despairing that I’ll never get to my goal weight.

Then I watch the Biggest Loser and listen to these people talk about how unhappy they were when they were heavy. I listen to Jillian trying to get to the core of why they let themselves get this way and honestly, I can’t see some deep seated reason for me. I didn’t live through my parents’ divorce or watch my parents both eat until they were over 300 pounds. I don’t have a psychological reason for eating – I’m not trying to hide behind fat.

I lost 40 pounds on Atkins before my transplant and I kept it off for about 2 years. Then the prednisone and other drugs made it easy to gain the weight back. Now, I’m taking Prograf and according to Drugs.com one of the less common side effects in kidney transplant patients is weight gain. Is it possible that I’m fighting a losing battle?

I don’t want to use that as an excuse, and in July when I talk to my nephrologist I will ask him about it. I know I don’t track well enough. I hate tracking and I know that’s the problem. I just feel like when I have to write everything down, it means no more eating out, no more going to someone else’s house and eating. How can WW be a lifestyle if it means I never can do those things?

Seems like every weekend something comes up that sabotages the week. This weekend we have a wedding reception to go to, but fortunately, it’s at an Indian restaurant and I’m not a big fan of Indian food, so maybe I won’t eat much.

Today, I did some weights at the Y. I’ve let the weight training go because I don’t get points for that, but the last meeting was about metabolism and how important strength training is, so I’m trying to add more to increase my metabolism.

We’ll see how this next week goes.

I didn’t update yesterday’s post, but I was down .4 at the weigh in. Yeah, it’s not a lot. In fact it means that in three weeks, I was only down .2.

Still though, since the WW topic was positive thoughts, I will keep in mind that this is the lowest I’ve been since the beginning of the year. Yeah, it’s been 5 months, but I’m already convinced that it’s going to take me years to get down another 10 pounds, the amount I need to lose to start working for WW and then another 10 to be at the top of my healthy weight. AND if you’ve read this blog before, you’ll know I want to lose another 12 pounds after that to be at the weight I was the morning of my kidney transplant.

Today so far, I’ve had 4 points for breakfast and did 41 minutes of stationary bike riding while watching In Plain Sight on Hulu.com.

Now to make my famous/favorite salad!

Beginning Points – 21

Breakfast smoothie – 6 points

– 15 points

MOOD: Had a fight with the Girl this morning. She’s not feeling well and wanted to stay in bed longer and have me drive her to campus, but since Dad works there, he didn’t want me to make an extra trip so either she had to stay home or get up and get ready when he was. As always seems to happen, I get involved, and both sides end up yelling at me. Add this to the fact that I’m suffering from the same cold she is, and I wasn’t a happy Mommy this morning. The Boy is doing better in school and we’re preparing for his 7th birthday party on Sunday. Finally, we got a yes from the emails I sent yesterday. So, it looks like at least two of his classmates (both girls) will be at the party.

I’m trying to be more productive today. I have Chapter 12 of Sword & Illusion to finish and then maybe there will be time for me to do some designing. I also need to exercise. I’ll report more later.

2:23 pm

80 minutes on the bike – 11 points (I’m only taking credit for half of the points.)

– 20 points

Salad – 5 points

– 15 points

fudge bar- 1 point

– 14 points

Ham sandwich – 5 points

– 9 points

Popcorn – 6 points

– 3 points.

Food/Exercise/points

Beginning – 21

My regular smoothie for breakfast but we don’t have skim milk so I used 2%. The points booklet that comes with point calculator and all that says 2% is only 2 points but the complete food companion says 3. Anyway, I figured 7 points for the smoothie. More than I normally eat for BF but I’m being honest today and it was 2% milk.

– 14 points

Slim-a-bear fudge bar – 1 point

– 13 points

Salad – 5 points

– 8 points

Another fudge bar – 1 point

– 7 points

Ham Sandwich – 2 points for bread/3 for 2.5 ounces of ham – 5 points

– 2 points

30 minutes of bike riding – 4 points

– 6 points

WW ice cream – 2 points/banana – 2 points/ff whipped topping 1 point – 5 points for dessert

– 1 point

———————

Mood:

I was up .2 this week which I guess isn’t surprising given that:

1. I ate Easter candy

2. We went to a BBQ on Thursday

3. I went out with a friend to a Chinese buffet on Saturday

4. I didn’t track.

Okay, I did a TON of exercise this past week which is a good thing or I’d have been up more.

I’m not sure I’ll be able to do the same this week, but I am going to try. I’m also going to track better, and I hope this blog will help keep me accountable.

I was out of the Weight Watchers loop for awhile because of the thyroid-ectomy, the subsequent discovery of cancer and treatment. When I went back I’d gained six pounds. Not totally surprising but still not something I was happy about. The next week, I was up a little bit, too.

However, I went back to meetings and turns out that the day they announced the new Momentum plan at my regular meeting, both Beloved and the Girl went to the meeting with me. Now the Girl is home from college and I was down a little the next meeting. However, this last meeting, Monday, I was up .2 even with her nagging me about tracking and all. I know it’s not a lot and I know that “it’s almost like maintaining” but I’m not happy.

For a long time I’ve suspected that there is something about me that makes it hard for the program to work for me and I get discouraged. I can stick faithfully to my points and work out hard several times a week, but I have no confidence when I weigh in that I’ll be down.

However, there isn’t any other option. I am now only about 4.2 pounds lighter than the weight I started WW at 3.5 years ago, and this just isn’t acceptable. I want to be at the weight I was the morning of the transplant – 143. I’d be thrilled to be at 155 – the top of my healthy weight range, but ultimately I’d love to be at 140.

I have to keep going. I have to be diligent about my points. I HAVE TO DO THIS.

Worked out for 50 minutes today – 7 points to save for Christmas day.

Monday when I went to Weight Watchers, I was up 6.8 pounds. Not truly surprising as I was off my thyroid meds for over four weeks and not really exercising at all, given that I was off said meds and kinda tired most of the time or isolated due to the radioactive iodine.

This week I did cardio twice (so far) and all my weight machines once. I should have gone today, but time just didn’t allow for it as I hd to take the Boy to his language therapy and then bring the Girl home from college around lunch time. Between those two things and housework, it just didn’t happen.

However, with the Girl home this weekend, I’m going to go to the Y tomorrow. I promised the Boy breakfast at Sonic, but of course, there’s nothing on their menu that’s WW friendly, so the Girl is going to take him while I run to the Y. She really is a good daughter!

I might get a chance to go again on Sunday but we’ll have to see. Usually the Boy wants to go swimming and if I can talk the Girl into watching him while I work out, that would be sweet, but if she doesn’t want to go, then I’ll end up watching him instead of working out. We’ll see what happens.

We got rid of the cable box so I won’t be able to watch Biggest Loser anymore and right after Amy did the “unthinkable” and voted against the Blue Team!!! She’s in for it now, I’m afraid.

I haven’t given up on Weight Watchers. I got a nice note from someone who reads this, which amazes me – that someone reads this, I mean – and she was concerned because I sounded so discouraged about the slowness of my weight loss. She recommended interval training, which according to what I’ve read in my own research and talking to Beloved, is something worth pursuing. I don’t know that I can make it the only thing in my exercise plan: I just can’t “live” on only four extra activity points (half an hour work out) three or four times a week.

Not a recommended work out plan!

However, I did it once last week and then the next time I worked out I did the same kind of thing for half an hour and then finished up 45 minutes on the bike (45 minutes total including the half hour she suggested). I was down 1.8 this Monday! I didn’t blog last week, but I was down .8 that weigh-in.

I didn’t get any workouts in this past weekend because I was at BabelCon, a local sci-fi/fantasy con, where I sat at a merchant table with two other local authors. I sold 8 books, so I was pretty happy and got my picture taken with several celebrities:

Me with Brave Knights

Darth Vader was, of course, there.

John Hertzler played Chancellor Martok on Deep Space Nine. He was/is my favorite Klingon (next to Worf, of course) and in my mind the most romantic.

Here’s what he said about his wife when talking to Worf about marriage:

“We are not accorded the luxury of choosing the women we fall in love with. Do you think Sirella is anything like the woman I thought I’d marry? She is a mercurial, arrogant, prideful woman who shares my bed far too infrequently for my taste. And yet… I love her deeply. We Klingons often tout our prowess in battle and our desire for honor and glory above all else… but how hollow is the sound of victory without someone to share it with. And Honor gives little comfort to a man alone in his home… and in his heart. “

I mean, come on. How could you not want to be next to this man? And he called me “baby,” so what are you going to do?

My friend, and fellow author, Jo Templeton, and me with Richard Hatch of two different kinds of Battlestar Galactica!

This week has been going well. I’m working on a new book and pretty excited about it. I’ll talk a little more about it at The Romancechick Speaks.

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