Lowering the Feed Limit

I lost over 2 pounds, net, after Christmas and New Years. 2.4 actually. I was happy with that, and my daughter, who was my “coach” for those two weeks was pretty proud of me, even if I did gain .4 after New Years.

So I weighed in today.

Up 1.2.

Crud.

I know exactly what I did to mess up.

1. I didn’t track after about Tuesday. I tried to keep track in my head, since alot of what I eat is stuff I eat every day. I pretty much know the points. However,

2. I ate peanuts and chocolate chips. A lot. More peanuts than chocolate chips, but that’s not any better.

It’s a big deal to admit this here as I know my husband reads this and he didn’t know this stuff. If he looks in the backseat of the van, he’ll see a half empty peanut can. Now, to be fair, it had been open already and was about a quarter gone when I went to pick up the Boy from school. I nibbled while I sat in the carpool line.

The reason it’s in the backseat is not because I tried to hide it but I wanted to get it as far away from as I could so I wouldn’t eat anymore than I did.

I know tracking works. I know it’s the only thing that does. Why don’t I do it?

Why do I beat myself up and feel like a failure all the time? (Yes, this kinda is a change of subject.)

This next birthday, in about 6 weeks, is a big milestone. I hesitate to actually write out the number because it feels so close to OLD.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about my life and what I want to change. You know, I keep thinking that by this time of my life, I should be more together than I am. I should be established in a career, I should have given up my insecurities, I should stop wishing I were stunningly beautiful, I should feel better about who I am.

I don’t feel, in any way, together.

I know lots of people think I am. I’m a published author, I’m a cancer survivor and transplant recipient, I’m a creative woman.

But, deep down, I am still that girl in high school no boy wanted to go out with, the popular kids ignored, the one everyone just thought was a brain.

I want to be “hot” and at my age, that can’t happen anymore. I look at my daughter and she’s gorgeous and I feel like I missed out on that.

I know it shouldn’t matter. I’m happily married to a man who thinks I’m beautiful. Why can’t I be content with that?

Some of this has been brought on by old high school pictures someone put up on facebook. Lots of pictures from the yearbooks. Not one of me.

It was a small high school. All the kids in these pictures knew me. Some considered me a friend, but now it’s like i was invisible and this has brought back some old insecurities.

Add that to my getting older and I’m doing a lot of looking at myself and I don’t always like what I see.

Enough of this.

Maybe I’ll feel better tomorrow.

Monday when I went to Weight Watchers, I was up 6.8 pounds. Not truly surprising as I was off my thyroid meds for over four weeks and not really exercising at all, given that I was off said meds and kinda tired most of the time or isolated due to the radioactive iodine.

This week I did cardio twice (so far) and all my weight machines once. I should have gone today, but time just didn’t allow for it as I hd to take the Boy to his language therapy and then bring the Girl home from college around lunch time. Between those two things and housework, it just didn’t happen.

However, with the Girl home this weekend, I’m going to go to the Y tomorrow. I promised the Boy breakfast at Sonic, but of course, there’s nothing on their menu that’s WW friendly, so the Girl is going to take him while I run to the Y. She really is a good daughter!

I might get a chance to go again on Sunday but we’ll have to see. Usually the Boy wants to go swimming and if I can talk the Girl into watching him while I work out, that would be sweet, but if she doesn’t want to go, then I’ll end up watching him instead of working out. We’ll see what happens.

We got rid of the cable box so I won’t be able to watch Biggest Loser anymore and right after Amy did the “unthinkable” and voted against the Blue Team!!! She’s in for it now, I’m afraid.

Yesterday was my birthday and I’m pretty happy about what I did, food-wise.

I did splurge and went to my favorite coffee shop to do some writing, and I bought a chocolate/peanut butter cookie to enjoy with my coffee. That was my lunch (not healthy I know) so… I also stopped at the Y on the way to pick up my daughter from school and did 40 minutes on the treadmill. I know it’s not many points for walking at just over 3 mph, but my knees have been giving my some problems and the doctor said I was supposed to take it easy with exercise until the pneumonia is completely cleared up.

Beloved and the kids took me to Outback  for dinner. I have been wanting a steak for awhile. I ordered the Outback Special, a 9 oz. center cut sirloin, and garlic mashed potatoes. Now I will admit that we ordered the cheese fries as an appetizer (for the four of us) and I had my share. I only ate half of my steak and potatoes. It came with French cut green beans, but honestly, I wasn’t thrilled with them.

Then we ordered dessert for the Girl and I to split. Beloved gave up desserts for Lent, and the Boy ate a little (actually most) of the dessert. I ate only about a third of the dessert and quit. I was kinda proud of myself because I recognized that I was full and didn’t need any more of the dessert.

A friend came by in the morning and brought me a small cake and a lovely little blue urn that sits on my desk now. Haven’t eaten any of the cake.

My husband gave me a hand-cranked popcorn popper. I love it. A few weeks ago, when I was in the hospital, he set fire to my old Revere pot that I used to pop popcorn, so this was a better replacement than the big Dutch oven that we have been using since.

The Girl gave me a new blender. I missed my morning smoothies since the old blender was used “to death.”

Today I’m trying to get back on track. Breakfast consisted of a smoothie made with a cup of skim milk, a banana and a packet of Sugar Free Carnation Instant Breakfast. The whole thing is about 4 points and very filling!

I’m doing taxes, figuring out financial aid stuff for the Girl and writing!