Lowering the Feed Limit

So, yesterday was weigh in day and again I was up. Since Mom’s death I’ve been having a hard time getting back into my tracking/eating right mode. I thought it might be a good idea for me to revisit the reasons I want to do this.

I’m a Biggest Loser addict and Jillian is always getting her people to dig deep and look at all the emotional/psychological reasons why they’re fat. I’ve looked. I don’t find anything deep.

My parents didn’t leave me. I wasn’t abused. I didn’t have some childhood or even adult trauma that has made me overweight.

I’m overweight because food tastes good and I eat not necessarily because I’m hungry but because food tastes good. They never really address that in Weight Watchers.

Anyway, I have to dig deep and find my motivation, so here is my list of reasons for wanting to lose weight, in no particular order.

1. I lost 40 pounds back in 1999 and kept it off for two years until my transplant. I liked how I looked back then. I want that back.

2. I want my clothes to fit better. I hate having pants be too tight around the waist.

3. I want my blood pressure to be lower. It’s not bad now, but it could be better.

4. I want to be able to say I’ve accomplished this. Lately, and for some time, I haven’t been feeling like there’s much in my life that I’ve accomplished and this is something I can do. I hope.

5. I want to be able to be happy when I look in the mirror or see a picture of myself. I want to have a beautiful picture of me to someday put on the back of a book!

6. I want to be a Weight Watcher leader. I want to have a job where I stand in front of people and motivate them.

There, ladies and gents, are my reasons. I want to get my motivation back.

I am not a failure.

I am not a failure.

I am not a failure.

If I tell myself this enough, maybe I’ll believe it.

I hate going to the gym.

Well, not HATE, exactly, but I really have to work to get myself to go. And today I’m feeling really awful about myself.

If you read this blog much, and I know no one really does because I don’t update it, you know that I often don’t feel good about myself. At least that’s what it seems like if you read these posts. Seems like the only time I update is when I’m feeling down.

Maybe it is the only time. Then, fine, that’s when I do it. Maybe that’s because that’s when I feel the need to write all this junk out.

About six or seven weeks ago, my mother died. And, darn it, I miss her!

Anyway, I was doing great, weight wise, before that. I was 10 pounds from my goal weight and the lowest I’d been in years! I was feeling great about myself and confident that I could do this.

Then I had a whirlwind of travel, funerals (she had two – one in Ohio where she lived and one in PA where she grew up and where she raised us kids and where her family is), and FOOD. Families do that, you know. They feed you.

Anyway, after being away from Weight Watchers about two weeks, I’d only gained two pounds, which I felt was pretty good, given everything.

However, I haven’t been able to get back on track since then.

I’ve been having some minor back/hip pain which my chiropractor says could be stress related – since, of course, there’s been some stress. However, my appointments with her have been at the same time as the fun classes at the Y – hip hop and kickboxing. I love the classes and they push me in ways I wouldn’t myself. I took two of the classes before I went to see the chiropractor and since she wants to see me every other day until the pain is gone, I’ve missed the classes since then (they are on Mon, Wed, and Fridays – same as my appt.).

I’m still wearing my bodybugg and wanting to get back on track, but today I feel like it’s not happening and that goes for so much else in my life right now.

Tomorrow my father-in-law and I are flying up to Ohio again and renting a truck to drive a bunch of my mom’s stuff back here. I guess some of what I’m feeling is that I have to face all that, and while I know it’s all a part of the grieving process and all, I, frankly, wish it were all behind me.

Add to that all the normal stresses of being a mom and right now I feel overwhelmed. No wonder I want to eat and then just curl up on a bed and read a book!

Well, I have been given ONE task to do today – instead of trying to do everything. I need to mail an appeal to our insurance company and then I’m going to the gym and try to get some exercise in.

Pray for me. And thanks for stopping by.

I haven’t updated for awhile but not because things have been going badly. In fact, since getting my bodybugg, my weight has pretty consistently gone down. Today, I’m at 165# which is ten pounds from my Weight Watchers goal. I’d really like to get to 143, but I can start working for Weight Watchers at 155.

Last year at this time, I wanted to be at this weight, but I didn’t get here. I lost my motivation after that and then I had that problem with thyroid surgery and then discovering that I had had cancer and needed to go through radiation treatment.

However, now it feels like it’s really going to happen this time. I know it’s not over when I get to my goal weight. First of all, I want to keep going and get to 143, maybe 140, but if I can see 155, I’ll be thrilled!

It isn’t just because I’d love to work for Weight Watchers, but there is this person I know who talks almost all the time about how she’s trying to lose weight, but folks, she’s not. I see her more these days and I see confirmation of what I already knew. She has dessert at every meal even after two or more helpings of whatever the main dish was.

I know I was probably the same way before, but my thinking has changed about what is a healthy portion or what “being full” feels like. I keep hoping that she’ll see my success at this weight loss and she’ll want it, too.

She doesn’t walk well because of a past problem and I know that if she loses some weight, she’ll walk better and her overall health will be better. She’s so much less active now than she used to be.

I love this woman and it would be so sad if something could be done for her overall health and she’s just not willing to do it.

Anyway, I know she’s not ready to do anything but all I can do is keep plodding on and praying that she’ll see how happy I am about this and take it to heart.

What
is it about Thursdays?

I’ve
noticed something over the last month or so. I can do so well
counting points or calories Monday through Wednesday. I get weighed
in on Mondays so I’m all revved up and excited to track and stay
within my points range (or calories now with the Bodybugg) but
something happens on Thursdays. Every week. I don’t even have to
realize what day it is and generally I don’t consciously think about
it being Thursday until I see that I’m hungry all day, even if I eat
exactly the same stuff I did yesterday.

On
Thursdays, I’m more likely to feel the need for a mid-morning snack,
something I never have any other day of the week.

On
Thursdays, my normal lunchtime salad, which I love and will even have
at dinner sometimes when the family’s having something more calorie
filled, just doesn’t appeal to me.

On
Thursdays, I’ll find myself wandering around the kitchen, just
wanting “something.”

I
can’t explain it.

I
do fine the rest of the week. I’ll stay in my calorie range over the
weekend, and to be honest, while I didn’t eat right today, I still
have my normal deficit because I walked/ran a mile while the Boy had
basketball practice. I think because I’m aware of the Thursday Thing,
I moved more while making dinner and other times during the day.

Still,
I wish I could explain it. Ideas?

Oh,
and for those of you wondering, I was down another two pounds this
week! Even my Weight Watcher leader noticed that I’ve finally
“figured it out.”

Well, I’ve finished my second full week wearing this little gem.

Last week I figured I’d lose about 1.5 pounds so when I lost only .2 I was pretty upset. I couldn’t figure it out.

On Thursday, I had my coaching session with a Bodybugg coach. She walked me through the website and showed me some things I didn’t know about even with all my playing around on the site. She also said to give things another week and see what we might need to change.

Well, I started weighing my food after talking to her because, as she said, I might have been underestimating how big a portion I’m eating.

Well, what I found explains EVERYTHING – all the problems I’ve been having getting to my goal, all the weeks I should have been down and wasn’t, EVERYTHING!

Popcorn has more calories than I ever could have imagined.

I LOVE popcorn and clearly was underestimating how much of it I eat. I looked one night at how many calories I had left and thought I would figure out how much popcorn I could have. Turned out to be about two handfuls!

Not even a bowl full.

Seeing this, I realized that at least twice a week, I was eating half a big bowl (shared with Beloved), and I was assuming it was only a few cups and totally messing up the points (on WW) or calories.

This week I weighed everything (well, after Thursday’s coaching session).

I lost THREE pounds this week!!! Three pounds!!!

And that was being sick yesterday and not really being able to exercise much. We went to Pizza Hut on Friday and I went out with my writers’ group on Saturday! And I lost 3 pounds!

I love this little thing!!!

I don’t know what happened today, but I was down .4! I’m totally stunned. I mean, we went to Carrabba’s on Saturday and I ate bread, Mozzarella sticks, most of the entree and half a dessert. I guess I must have done better the rest of the week than I thought.

The Girl was with me today as we had to run some errands after and since I was down, she “convinced” me to go out to lunch. I will admit to a splurgy lunch, but I had my normal lunch salad for supper so that might have made up for it.

Tomorrow, since I don’t have any thing on the calendar, I’ll be sure to ride the bike. With the Girl home, she can be my coach.

Any of you that read this, stop by www.nancysbrandt.com to see what else is going on in my life and if you are a digital scrapbooker, you’ll find some fun downloads, too!

I told you I was getting serious and here I am, not updating this thing.

Well, with the Girl being home and acting like a Nazi coach, in the last two weeks, I’ve lost a net of 2.4 pounds!

Do you understand what that means?

Over Christmas week I LOST 2.8 pounds! That’s with the Grandparents here. Grandparents that buy bread and treats. My mother-in-law talks about wanting to lose weight, but she enjoys her chips and ice cream and cookies. I think part of my victory was because I wanted to show that I could do it even with the holidays and show her that you don’t just give up. I don’t know if she’ll notice or even care, but I was pretty proud of myself.

Last week, after New Year’s, I did gain .4 but that’s not too bad, I don’t think and what I’ve learned from watching The Biggest Loser is that a great week is often followed by a not so great week, so over all I’m pretty happy.

I didn’t track as well last week, so I’m trying harder this week.

I was out of the Weight Watchers loop for awhile because of the thyroid-ectomy, the subsequent discovery of cancer and treatment. When I went back I’d gained six pounds. Not totally surprising but still not something I was happy about. The next week, I was up a little bit, too.

However, I went back to meetings and turns out that the day they announced the new Momentum plan at my regular meeting, both Beloved and the Girl went to the meeting with me. Now the Girl is home from college and I was down a little the next meeting. However, this last meeting, Monday, I was up .2 even with her nagging me about tracking and all. I know it’s not a lot and I know that “it’s almost like maintaining” but I’m not happy.

For a long time I’ve suspected that there is something about me that makes it hard for the program to work for me and I get discouraged. I can stick faithfully to my points and work out hard several times a week, but I have no confidence when I weigh in that I’ll be down.

However, there isn’t any other option. I am now only about 4.2 pounds lighter than the weight I started WW at 3.5 years ago, and this just isn’t acceptable. I want to be at the weight I was the morning of the transplant – 143. I’d be thrilled to be at 155 – the top of my healthy weight range, but ultimately I’d love to be at 140.

I have to keep going. I have to be diligent about my points. I HAVE TO DO THIS.

Worked out for 50 minutes today – 7 points to save for Christmas day.

I love Weight Watchers. I really do. I think they have a great program, they teach good stuff about nutrition and exercise and making good choices. I love the support system that CAN develop with a good leader and a good group.

I’m wondering if there is something wrong with my system that it doesn’t work for me. I’m on immunosuppressents and I don’t know if they inhibit weight loss and there seems to be some chance that I’m having some thyroid trouble which might account for some of my problems, but in FIVE WEEKS of tracking and exercise and making good food choices I haven’t lost ANYTHING!

Okay, let’s put this in perspective. The week I had the huge point blow out by going to Cold Stone, I lost .6.

The next week I lost 1.4. Cool, two pounds in two weeks. I thought I had things under control.

The next week (week three) I gained two pounds! I thought, hmmm, maybe it was sodium from the individual pizza I’d had for dinner Sunday night – which I had the points for! So, okay, maybe sodium. Now it was three weeks with no loss.

Then last week (week four) I lost THREE POUNDS! Okay, I thought, it was the sodium and I’m down another pound. Good deal. Three pounds in four weeks. Not too shabby.

Yesterday I went to WW right before I had to run to the endocrinologist and I had GAINED THREE POUNDS! Gang, I’ve done the same thing all of these weeks. Okay, maybe last week I had a few chocolate chip cookies, that I put in my tracker, and kept count of my points and exercised and all that.

So now I’m at five weeks with no loss. This is getting to the point where I don’t even freak out anymore about gains. I do the same thing week after week and have no idea what the scale is going to say.

I’m not even worrying about working for WW anymore. If it happens, it happens. I’m going to tell the Territorial Director to take me off the employment rolls just so I don’t feel like I’m “stealing” from the company by getting the smoothies at half price due to my employee card. It’ll mean paying for the monthly pass again, but I gotta do what I gotta do.

Saturday Special

In an effort to actually have something interesting to say, I plan to do these kinds of things as well as updating you all on my weight loss journey. See below for today’s news.

It’s Perfect ~ Fill In The Blanks~

A perfect day is one where I don’t have to do anything but relax and read or watch something I’ve DVR’d. No cleaning, no picking out clothes for a child, no cooking, just me and whatever I want to do?

A perfect dinner is Oh, seriously? Something cooked by someone else, preferably one with no points but tastes yummy and fattening and ends with the most luscious dessert known to man, still with no points?

A perfect evening is home with my husband, the kids in bed or at least in their rooms. Beloved and I are watching Battlestar Galactica or some other show of ours the kids don’t like and we’re eating popcorn and having fun commenting on the action?

A perfect vacation is one I can’t have anymore – a week at that cabin in Canada I love so much with nothing to do but lounge around, swim or sleep or read or whatever. No phone, no computer, no obligations.

In weight loss news, I’m going on five weeks of sticking to my points completely and the third week of actually trying to eat the points not just horde them and end up with at ton Sunday night. I’m down two pounds since Theresa suggested I actually EAT. I went a little overboard last night because I finished my book (see The Romancechick Speaks for more info) and I mowed the lawn today (front and back) and planned to not log those activity points, but Beloved suggested I just track EVERYTHING.

I found the coolest stuff: Weight Watchers Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream! HEAVEN! I love mint chocolate chip but hate when the chips are tiny. WW uses chunks – relatively speaking, but they aren’t the mini chips they use in the Cookie Dough ice cream. I bought some more of the mint today as the family has regular ice cream for them.

Tomorrow is my usual go to the gym day. Our Y opens at 1 and closes at 5, but we have to be at mass at five for Beloved and the Girl to practice with the choir. Usually, we go as soon as we can after 1 and I exercise for about an hour which gives me time to get home, shower, get the Boy showered and dressed and relax a bit before we have to leave around 4:45.

Next week is VBS at church and I should go tomorrow afternoon to get ready, but I’m doing the drama part. My part is done first thing every morning and we use the sanctuary. Because of daily mass at 8:45 and VBS beginning at 9 and my part at 9:30 there isn’t really anything I can set up.  I looked over Monday’s “performance” and I don’t need to have costumes or anything special so I think I’ can just wait until I’m done on Monday to figure out where things are and talk to my helpers. We will need sticky dots and “caution tape” which I will ask about when I get there before mass tomorrow or when I arrive early Monday morning.

Hope you’re having a great weekend!