Lowering the Feed Limit

We went to Greenwood Plantation Saturday for a romantic overnight stay. It was wonderful, and beautiful as you can see from the picture above. We didn’t actually stay in the plantation itself but on the other side of a small lake, but we toured the plantation house twice and took a ton of pictures. I have an idea for a new book, this one a ghost story.

The biggest problem with this trip was that when I came back I’d gained 2.2 pounds. Beloved said not to worry; we were going to handle it, but you know, if you’re struggling to lose weight, you do worry.

A week ago, I’d been the lowest I’d been since the start of the year and here it is MAY and I’d finally gotten 7 pounds down. In one weekend I messed up it all.

Yes, it was a special occasion (it was my 50th birthday gift and Mother’s day), but that doesn’t matter or it shouldn’t. I should be able to do what everyone else can do. I should be able to lose 1 pound a week, but you know, I celebrate losses of .4. It’s pathetic.

I’ve been doing Weight Watchers for THREE YEARS, and YAY, I’ve lost 5 STINKIN’ POUNDS. I feel like giving up.

A few weeks ago, we went to Cheeburger Cheeburger, a yummy 50s style restaurant. The Girl loves it and she was right. It was fun and delicious.

However, nearly every other person in the place was overweight. Not a little. Not like, “I can stand to lose 20 pounds.” I’m talking Biggest Loser Week 1 heavy! I felt terrible sitting there. Was I going to look like that if I eat there?

Then there was this weird thought in my head. I looked at some of those people and I thought, “They don’t count points. They don’t worry about what they eat. They could have a chocolate peanut butter milkshake without feeling guilty.”

It seems like there was a freedom there. My biggest stumbling block is that food TASTES good and that’s what gets me eating when I’m not hungry. That’s what makes me want something fried and yummy but high in points. It’s what keeps me staring at my reflection and despairing that I’ll never get to my goal weight.

Then I watch the Biggest Loser and listen to these people talk about how unhappy they were when they were heavy. I listen to Jillian trying to get to the core of why they let themselves get this way and honestly, I can’t see some deep seated reason for me. I didn’t live through my parents’ divorce or watch my parents both eat until they were over 300 pounds. I don’t have a psychological reason for eating – I’m not trying to hide behind fat.

I lost 40 pounds on Atkins before my transplant and I kept it off for about 2 years. Then the prednisone and other drugs made it easy to gain the weight back. Now, I’m taking Prograf and according to Drugs.com one of the less common side effects in kidney transplant patients is weight gain. Is it possible that I’m fighting a losing battle?

I don’t want to use that as an excuse, and in July when I talk to my nephrologist I will ask him about it. I know I don’t track well enough. I hate tracking and I know that’s the problem. I just feel like when I have to write everything down, it means no more eating out, no more going to someone else’s house and eating. How can WW be a lifestyle if it means I never can do those things?

Seems like every weekend something comes up that sabotages the week. This weekend we have a wedding reception to go to, but fortunately, it’s at an Indian restaurant and I’m not a big fan of Indian food, so maybe I won’t eat much.

Today, I did some weights at the Y. I’ve let the weight training go because I don’t get points for that, but the last meeting was about metabolism and how important strength training is, so I’m trying to add more to increase my metabolism.

We’ll see how this next week goes.

I was out of the Weight Watchers loop for awhile because of the thyroid-ectomy, the subsequent discovery of cancer and treatment. When I went back I’d gained six pounds. Not totally surprising but still not something I was happy about. The next week, I was up a little bit, too.

However, I went back to meetings and turns out that the day they announced the new Momentum plan at my regular meeting, both Beloved and the Girl went to the meeting with me. Now the Girl is home from college and I was down a little the next meeting. However, this last meeting, Monday, I was up .2 even with her nagging me about tracking and all. I know it’s not a lot and I know that “it’s almost like maintaining” but I’m not happy.

For a long time I’ve suspected that there is something about me that makes it hard for the program to work for me and I get discouraged. I can stick faithfully to my points and work out hard several times a week, but I have no confidence when I weigh in that I’ll be down.

However, there isn’t any other option. I am now only about 4.2 pounds lighter than the weight I started WW at 3.5 years ago, and this just isn’t acceptable. I want to be at the weight I was the morning of the transplant – 143. I’d be thrilled to be at 155 – the top of my healthy weight range, but ultimately I’d love to be at 140.

I have to keep going. I have to be diligent about my points. I HAVE TO DO THIS.

Worked out for 50 minutes today – 7 points to save for Christmas day.

Things have been working better since my talk with Theresa two weeks ago. I went out and binged with Cold Stone ice cream two weeks ago (that Monday) and I ended up losing .6 that week. This week, after not exactly binging but trying to eat more points, I lost 1.4. So that’s two pounds in two weeks. Pretty good.

This past Monday I did a bit of a binge, too, but I didn’t actually count points. I estimated and marked them off my tracker. So, I’ve been trying to make up for it a bit by working out for 95 minutes on Tuesday and I’m going to the Y this morning, too. I don’t want to, but I really need to.

Hope everyone else is having a good day.

Well, I did it again. I did everything right (so I thought). I tracked, made sure I drank my water, exercised.

Up 1 pound.

I was SO DISCOURAGED! Honestly, I might not have stayed for the meeting if my friend Jeri hadn’t been with me. I told the receptionist that this was impossible. I have been working hard for two weeks and have been up both weeks. Now I need to lose SIX pounds to get where I need to be to work for  Weight Watchers. I seriously wonder if I shouldn’t have even applied.

However, God always has a plan and He answered my prayers about this. Our regular leaders, who is the woman who interviewed me and offered me the job, wasn’t there today. Instead, we had the Territorial Manager!

The receptionist, Laura, asked me if I wanted to talk to Theresa, and I said I did because for the last few weeks Beloved has asked me why I don’t talk to someone and I didn’t realize that I could stay after the meeting to talk. I know, probably stupid, but today I decided I really needed to figure out what’s going on.

Theresa was wonderful. I got kinda emotional because I feel like I’m failing. I mean it took me from August to the first of the year to lose THREE stinkin’ pounds and I still haven’t lost the next three, and I’ve regained. It’s a mess.

Plus, the stress of worrying that someone is going to step forward and say, “Hey you can’t lose the five pounds you need to lose to start training? How are you ever going to get to your goal?”

First thing Theresa said when I told her that I am a new hire and I want to be a leader was, “I want you to be one.” We talked and she said that I don’t owe her anything and I should stop stressing about the time it’s taking me to lose this. She said it’s my journey and my experience will help someone else someday.

Then we talked about what I’ve been eating and what I’ve been doing and she suggested that (1) the stress I feel every week about this might be keeping weight on and (2) I really need to eat more! That blew me away, but she’s right in that every week I try to eat a little less and I don’t use, usually, even half my weekly allowance points. It’s possible that since I’m working out so much (yesterday I did an hour and a half to make up for a wedding reception on Saturday) that I need to eat all my points so my body doesn’t hold on to things.

She asked if I could feel a difference in my clothes and I said all week I’ve been walking around saying that I feel smaller. She said she thinks I’m doing everything right but I need to relax a little. She did say we might have to work hard when I do get to goal in the maintenance part so I don’t gain too easily.

She suggested that today I do a “blow out” (her words) and use 20 of my weekly points allowance. So, we went to Cold Stone and had ice cream. I figured out that mine was 23 points!!! AHHH! That seems so wrong, but you know I’ll be careful the rest of the week and I’ll hit the gym tomorrow.

Maybe it’ll shock my system and I can get back on track. Theresa said she expects that when the weight does come off I’ll drop two or three pounds. Here’s hopin’!

Well, I weighed in today and was down .2. The good news is that I was down, but honestly, .2? It almost doesn’t even count as a loss.

I am not going to go over all the running and the sacrifices, but I’m pretty discouraged. I’m not giving up, of course, because of the job and because this is what I want for myself, but it’s hard to stay motivated when I work hard and see almost no loss. I feel like I’m struggling for nothing.

My leader, who I considered a friend, and cried in front of more than once, has “given her notice.” She has some health problems and need to take care of herself, which I understand, but she’s been the only leader I’ve had since I started, and I don’t know if I can bond with another one. The one we had today was nice, but not “mine” you know? She’s new and won’t be taking that time slot. She said we’ll have some other subs until they can get us someone permanently.

I guess I’ll go to the gym tonight. I’m not giving up the running with Beloved, but I have to get some more activity points. I have been using Mondays as a “cheat” day, but it screws up my tracking of my points, so today I did, and I REALLY need the activity points.

Sigh. My leader (the one who left) said this isn’t supposed to be stressful, but it is for me!

It hasn’t been a good couple of days here. First off, Saturday night Beloved and the Girl had a major fight when he asked her to do the dishes. It’s kind of an ongoing fight around her to get her to do her chores, and she has some kind of issue with people knocking on her bedroom door. She literally yells “What?” whenever anyone knocks. I should say when her parents knock. She knows when it’s the Boy and doesn’t yell at him. It gets a little annoying when I’m scared to knock to see what she wants to drink for dinner for fear she’ll snap my head off.

Anyway, this fight was a bad one and pretty much lasted until…well, kind of, until now. A cease-fire has been established and relationships are cordial. Beloved still maintains that he will not mention her chores anymore, preferring to do them himself so as to not be a nag, but with that is no allowance for her and no going out with her friends. She, for her part, did work on the dishes after dinner and hasn’t yelled at anyone today.

This morning I woke up depressed. I think being in that menopausal state means that my hormones are messed up (Beloved calls it puberty in reverses) so some days I’m just depressed.

Well, I did all my weights yesterday – something I haven’t done in a while – and my entire body from inner thigh to triceps ache from the effort, so I didn’t go to the gym this morning. Beloved and I have a date to go tomorrow evening.

Weight watchers was a disaster. Up 2.2 pounds. I wanted to quit right then and there. I haven’t been tracking but I didn’t think I did that badly. I made it to the gym three times – twice for cardio – so I guess I got a little cocky and figured I was safe.

This afternoon I was working on my book and my computer froze up three times, meaning, I think, that I might have lost some of my work and I’m not happy about it.

Beloved and the Girl went to choir practice tonight and stopped at the grocery store. He bought me a red silk rose. Isn’t that nice?

If there is anyone out there, I could really use some encouragement and cheering up.

I’m down 2 pounds this week! I’m so happy. The program works if you just do it, Nancy!

Another good thing was that I got to congratulate my friend Rhonda in person. Right before I left for WW, I saw an email from her. She’s an aspiring romance writer in our local group and one of my critique partners. She entered a contest and today her dream editor called her – CALLED HER – and said she has a great voice and the editor said she wants to work with Rhonda! If you’re not a writer, you might not realize how big this is, but it’s HUGE! I was so hoping she’d be at WW so I could be the first one to hug her! I got out of the weigh-in line the moment she stepped in the door and grabbed her!

So, look out world, Rhonda’s coming!

Check out the tickers on the sidebar! I FINALLY earned the Cookie Dough Blast!

I just got home from my Weight Watcher’s meeting and I couldn’t believe that I’d lost 4.4 pounds since my weigh-in on Christmas Eve! This week was the only one I really watched what I ate and I got back to the gym after the hospital and vacation. Maybe I am learning to eat better and did better with what I was eating than I thought!

But, I’m so motivated now I want to go right back to the gym, but I think I’ll have lunch and do some work, probably writing!

Well, the holidays are over. We went to Ohio to visit my mother, my brother and his wife. We’d never seen either of their homes up there. I was most impressed with where my mother is living. It’s a nice gated community and she has a little “house” – they call it an apartment – with an attached garage and two bedrooms. It’s very nice.

My sister-in-law has been doing Weight Watchers for years but decided to take a vacation during the holidays (she did the same thing when they came to see us in August), which made it very difficult for me to “be good.” Finally, just as we were getting ready to leave, I just kinda said, “Whatever.” I mean, it’s hard to eat good on the road (we did the trip up and back in two days both ways) and we stayed one night (before the two day drive) with friends in the Pittsburgh area and went to a buffet place for dinner. I had a salad but then ate some Chinese food, too.

I don’t know if it was the long drive from hell or what but when I got home last night I was very, very depressed. I felt like I’d failed at everything.

Here I am at the beginning of 2008 and I feel like I haven’t accomplished anything this year. I’m about 10 pounds heavier than I was last year at this time. Still 10 pounds down from when I started WW, but still. I haven’t gotten another book submitted this year and my house isn’t up to Flylady standards.

One year I made the promise to my family that I’d stop using the word failure, but honestly, that’s what I feel like.

Beloved got me an mp3 player for Christmas and it’s not working right. I’m in the middle of trying to reformat and get it to work as the rep on the phone instructed, but it’s just another way I feel like nothing is going right. I know it’s silly, and maybe I’m still recovering from the trip but I feel just as down today as I did last night.

I switched to flex instead of core, and I’m finding that hard, too. I’m still hungry tonight and I’ve used 3.5 more points than I have per day. I went to the gym and did 30 minutes on the elliptical. Was going to go to kick boxing but getting the kids out of the house in time didn’t work. My daughter says she’ll be my trainer but she was tired after 30 minutes so we got off and I did some weights. Not a ton, but it’s been too weeks since I was at the gym due to my hospital stay and vacation.

Sigh. I skipped my weigh-in today and I plan to work out hard this week, but I’m just at a place where I wonder if it’ll ever happen. If I’ll ever get even to 20 pounds down. I want to be a WW leader, but that dream seems very far off.

It’s nearly impossible to “stick” to a diet when my in-laws are here. But I’m working hard to make good choices.

To start with, The Queen Mother hasn’t, in the words of my WW leader, become comfortable with the weight loss lifestyle. She (the Queen Mother, not my WW leader) tells me at every visit that she’s been working hard to lose weight and that she’s eating better now, but then they both buy chips and she’ll sit and eat out of the bag while watching TV or playing a game with us. Same with ice cream, cake or whatever else.

Yesterday, Christmas Day, I will admit I allowed myself to make bad choices. One of my gifts was a bread machine. I haven’t had one in three years, since we moved, and I was just thinking it was time to declutter the bread machine recipe books! Okay, I’m doing Core and bread isn’t really on the list, but I used one of the bread mixes they also gave us to make a loaf a bread. It was yummy and I have a left over ham sandwich on it, and I had a few slices of julekake, a Scandinavian Christmas bread that is a tradition in our celebration and it’s fabulous toasted with melted butter. Then last night as we played a board game, I had a bowl of ice cream, knowing that today I was going to stay as close to the plan as I could.

We went to a local outlet center and went to Chili’s for lunch. I didn’t like the looks of their salads (too many things on them I either don’t like or seemed too un-Weight Watchers friendly), so I decided to have a grilled chicken sandwich and then did what I’ve heard recommended: I cut it in half, split the order of fries in two and asked for a to go box right away.

The Queen Mother said what a good idea that was (she’d ordered the same thing) but then proceeded to eat the whole sandwich (except the top bun and the lettuce) AND the family told the waitress we never got our chips (this was before our order came).

I was so hungry and the chips looked so good, but I refrained from eating them. I also DIDN’T have any of the Moose Munch or candies that other people bought at the outlets.

Now, if you’ve been paying attention, and I’m sure you haven’t been (!), my weight was up after my visit to the hospital and being too weak to work out. I’m bummed by it and realize that maybe NOT eating was part of the problem. Still, though, Monday was the last weigh in before we go to Ohio and I won’t be weighing in until the week after New Year’s. I so wanted to be down, but Beloved says he’s proud of me and if I stay the course and make good choices throughout the next week or so, I should be proud of my progress, too.

I am on the verge of getting discouraged again, as tomorrow is our last day here before the trip. The inlaws leave in the morning and maybe I’ll be up to getting to the gym tomorrow afternoon. It won’t work off much, but it’ll be something.