Lowering the Feed Limit

I am not a failure.

I am not a failure.

I am not a failure.

If I tell myself this enough, maybe I’ll believe it.

I hate going to the gym.

Well, not HATE, exactly, but I really have to work to get myself to go. And today I’m feeling really awful about myself.

If you read this blog much, and I know no one really does because I don’t update it, you know that I often don’t feel good about myself. At least that’s what it seems like if you read these posts. Seems like the only time I update is when I’m feeling down.

Maybe it is the only time. Then, fine, that’s when I do it. Maybe that’s because that’s when I feel the need to write all this junk out.

About six or seven weeks ago, my mother died. And, darn it, I miss her!

Anyway, I was doing great, weight wise, before that. I was 10 pounds from my goal weight and the lowest I’d been in years! I was feeling great about myself and confident that I could do this.

Then I had a whirlwind of travel, funerals (she had two – one in Ohio where she lived and one in PA where she grew up and where she raised us kids and where her family is), and FOOD. Families do that, you know. They feed you.

Anyway, after being away from Weight Watchers about two weeks, I’d only gained two pounds, which I felt was pretty good, given everything.

However, I haven’t been able to get back on track since then.

I’ve been having some minor back/hip pain which my chiropractor says could be stress related – since, of course, there’s been some stress. However, my appointments with her have been at the same time as the fun classes at the Y – hip hop and kickboxing. I love the classes and they push me in ways I wouldn’t myself. I took two of the classes before I went to see the chiropractor and since she wants to see me every other day until the pain is gone, I’ve missed the classes since then (they are on Mon, Wed, and Fridays – same as my appt.).

I’m still wearing my bodybugg and wanting to get back on track, but today I feel like it’s not happening and that goes for so much else in my life right now.

Tomorrow my father-in-law and I are flying up to Ohio again and renting a truck to drive a bunch of my mom’s stuff back here. I guess some of what I’m feeling is that I have to face all that, and while I know it’s all a part of the grieving process and all, I, frankly, wish it were all behind me.

Add to that all the normal stresses of being a mom and right now I feel overwhelmed. No wonder I want to eat and then just curl up on a bed and read a book!

Well, I have been given ONE task to do today – instead of trying to do everything. I need to mail an appeal to our insurance company and then I’m going to the gym and try to get some exercise in.

Pray for me. And thanks for stopping by.

We went to Greenwood Plantation Saturday for a romantic overnight stay. It was wonderful, and beautiful as you can see from the picture above. We didn’t actually stay in the plantation itself but on the other side of a small lake, but we toured the plantation house twice and took a ton of pictures. I have an idea for a new book, this one a ghost story.

The biggest problem with this trip was that when I came back I’d gained 2.2 pounds. Beloved said not to worry; we were going to handle it, but you know, if you’re struggling to lose weight, you do worry.

A week ago, I’d been the lowest I’d been since the start of the year and here it is MAY and I’d finally gotten 7 pounds down. In one weekend I messed up it all.

Yes, it was a special occasion (it was my 50th birthday gift and Mother’s day), but that doesn’t matter or it shouldn’t. I should be able to do what everyone else can do. I should be able to lose 1 pound a week, but you know, I celebrate losses of .4. It’s pathetic.

I’ve been doing Weight Watchers for THREE YEARS, and YAY, I’ve lost 5 STINKIN’ POUNDS. I feel like giving up.

A few weeks ago, we went to Cheeburger Cheeburger, a yummy 50s style restaurant. The Girl loves it and she was right. It was fun and delicious.

However, nearly every other person in the place was overweight. Not a little. Not like, “I can stand to lose 20 pounds.” I’m talking Biggest Loser Week 1 heavy! I felt terrible sitting there. Was I going to look like that if I eat there?

Then there was this weird thought in my head. I looked at some of those people and I thought, “They don’t count points. They don’t worry about what they eat. They could have a chocolate peanut butter milkshake without feeling guilty.”

It seems like there was a freedom there. My biggest stumbling block is that food TASTES good and that’s what gets me eating when I’m not hungry. That’s what makes me want something fried and yummy but high in points. It’s what keeps me staring at my reflection and despairing that I’ll never get to my goal weight.

Then I watch the Biggest Loser and listen to these people talk about how unhappy they were when they were heavy. I listen to Jillian trying to get to the core of why they let themselves get this way and honestly, I can’t see some deep seated reason for me. I didn’t live through my parents’ divorce or watch my parents both eat until they were over 300 pounds. I don’t have a psychological reason for eating – I’m not trying to hide behind fat.

I lost 40 pounds on Atkins before my transplant and I kept it off for about 2 years. Then the prednisone and other drugs made it easy to gain the weight back. Now, I’m taking Prograf and according to Drugs.com one of the less common side effects in kidney transplant patients is weight gain. Is it possible that I’m fighting a losing battle?

I don’t want to use that as an excuse, and in July when I talk to my nephrologist I will ask him about it. I know I don’t track well enough. I hate tracking and I know that’s the problem. I just feel like when I have to write everything down, it means no more eating out, no more going to someone else’s house and eating. How can WW be a lifestyle if it means I never can do those things?

Seems like every weekend something comes up that sabotages the week. This weekend we have a wedding reception to go to, but fortunately, it’s at an Indian restaurant and I’m not a big fan of Indian food, so maybe I won’t eat much.

Today, I did some weights at the Y. I’ve let the weight training go because I don’t get points for that, but the last meeting was about metabolism and how important strength training is, so I’m trying to add more to increase my metabolism.

We’ll see how this next week goes.

Yes, it’s been a while since I updated this blog. I’ve been kinda focused on my other, main, one, and really didn’t feel like I had that much to say on the weight loss thing.

I’m not happy about how I’ve been doing. We went out Saturday night for our 22nd anniversary and I overindulged, but my excuse was that it was a special occasion. I’m not sure that’s a good enough excuse because i was pretty upset about it all day yesterday.

Today is weigh-in and like every Monday, I worry. I don’t even know from one week to the next what the scale is going to say even if I’ve logged everything and watched my points. i know i fudge a little but I try to take a couple of extra points just to cover the fudging.

Also, I tend to eat the same things every weekday so I do get a little lazy on logging because I kinda know in my head what the points are. None of this is what the program is about and I know that.

Then I end up beating myself up about it, too.

I’ve considered stopping WW because of this, but I know I need the support, if nothing else, of the meetings and the weekly weigh-ins on a consistent scale.

Beloved is going to buy me a BodyBugg next week. Knowing exactly what I’m buring off should help. Weight loss is a simple science – calories in vs. calories out. It’s just not that easy to do. I believe in what Weight Watchers is all about and I do want to work for them, but I’m not 100% sure the program works for me. I don’t know if it’s the drugs I’m on or what, but even when I think I’ve been perfect in my tracking, the scale often tells a different story. And I hate judging my worth based on a number on a scale.

I really need to get back on a winning streak and get this weight off.

I was out of the Weight Watchers loop for awhile because of the thyroid-ectomy, the subsequent discovery of cancer and treatment. When I went back I’d gained six pounds. Not totally surprising but still not something I was happy about. The next week, I was up a little bit, too.

However, I went back to meetings and turns out that the day they announced the new Momentum plan at my regular meeting, both Beloved and the Girl went to the meeting with me. Now the Girl is home from college and I was down a little the next meeting. However, this last meeting, Monday, I was up .2 even with her nagging me about tracking and all. I know it’s not a lot and I know that “it’s almost like maintaining” but I’m not happy.

For a long time I’ve suspected that there is something about me that makes it hard for the program to work for me and I get discouraged. I can stick faithfully to my points and work out hard several times a week, but I have no confidence when I weigh in that I’ll be down.

However, there isn’t any other option. I am now only about 4.2 pounds lighter than the weight I started WW at 3.5 years ago, and this just isn’t acceptable. I want to be at the weight I was the morning of the transplant – 143. I’d be thrilled to be at 155 – the top of my healthy weight range, but ultimately I’d love to be at 140.

I have to keep going. I have to be diligent about my points. I HAVE TO DO THIS.

Worked out for 50 minutes today – 7 points to save for Christmas day.

I haven’t posted in a while, but I honestly think it doesn’t matter too much. I’m sure there aren’t many readers out there and the ones that are there probably get tired of hearing my fuss about this.

I’m still trying to loss that last five pounds in order to be able to start training to work for Weight Watchers. I also found out today that the temp leader we’ve been having is going to be permanent and I’m glad because I think I can “work” with her.

Last Monday I was up 1.2 (I’d been lazy in the tracking thing), but I’d lost 1.4 the week before THAT, so I felt okay about everything. Turns out that all the people that stayed for the meeting, at least the ones open enough to talk and laugh about it, were up, so we did a lot of laughing about would the receptionist ever announce that “this week we gained 5 pounds!”? It was the kind of meeting I like, when we talk and laugh together and kinda bond.

This week, I was good. I tracked everything. I worked out and made choices based on my points and really tried.

I was up 3.6 pounds! The only explanation I can come up with is we had ham barbeque last night, which was made in the crock pot with deli ham. I had two sandwiches (had done 65 minutes on the bike at the Y – 9 points) so I could handle it points-wise, but I realized today it was probably FILLED with sodium. What a dumbo! (to quote Donna Nobel from Doctor Who)

The upshot of this is that now I’m EIGHT pounds from 165, the weight I have to be to even think about working for WW.

I know there are some of you (one?) who are wondering why I even still want to work for them. To be honest, my excitement about this is waning. I really thought I’d be at 165 by the end of the summer, and friends, I have been trying. My family will tell you I have, but at this point, no matter how well I track, work out and make good choices, I have no idea when I head to the weigh-in on Monday whether the scale will be up or down.

Sometimes it’s down and I think, Yea, I’ve figured this out, but I do the same or better the next week and the numbers go up. I worry that even if I do get to the goal weight I can stay there. I’m sure menopause has something to do with and of course, apparently there is a thyroid problem (the endocrinologist wants to take it out, too, so that’s probably what will happen over Christmas break – yea.)

The good thing is I’ve stopped crying about it. Today I’m tempted, of course. I mean, THREE POUNDS, almost FOUR?? How do I recover from that??

But, I feel like there’s no option. I mean, I could quit WW altogether, but then where will I be? Back at 188 in no time, I’m sure. I mean, I do know how to make good choices and all that, but if I try to do it by myself, as my sister-in-law is doing, I know it wouldn’t last two weeks, and I’d be back to grazing whenever I feel like it. At least tracking makes me think about my food intake.

I am discouraged, but as I say at the top, I’m coping. I will brush myself off and keep going, but I wonder if I really ever will see my goal weight as all the leaders keep promising.

Seriously, spammers, no one honestly believes this kind of comment:

I read similar article also named 12/7 – Lattes and Lats, and it was completely different. Personally, I agree with you more, because this article makes a little bit more sense for me

is real. Wow, my post on loving my lattes at CC’s and working on my back muscles is contraversial? Who knew?

I love Weight Watchers. I really do. I think they have a great program, they teach good stuff about nutrition and exercise and making good choices. I love the support system that CAN develop with a good leader and a good group.

I’m wondering if there is something wrong with my system that it doesn’t work for me. I’m on immunosuppressents and I don’t know if they inhibit weight loss and there seems to be some chance that I’m having some thyroid trouble which might account for some of my problems, but in FIVE WEEKS of tracking and exercise and making good food choices I haven’t lost ANYTHING!

Okay, let’s put this in perspective. The week I had the huge point blow out by going to Cold Stone, I lost .6.

The next week I lost 1.4. Cool, two pounds in two weeks. I thought I had things under control.

The next week (week three) I gained two pounds! I thought, hmmm, maybe it was sodium from the individual pizza I’d had for dinner Sunday night – which I had the points for! So, okay, maybe sodium. Now it was three weeks with no loss.

Then last week (week four) I lost THREE POUNDS! Okay, I thought, it was the sodium and I’m down another pound. Good deal. Three pounds in four weeks. Not too shabby.

Yesterday I went to WW right before I had to run to the endocrinologist and I had GAINED THREE POUNDS! Gang, I’ve done the same thing all of these weeks. Okay, maybe last week I had a few chocolate chip cookies, that I put in my tracker, and kept count of my points and exercised and all that.

So now I’m at five weeks with no loss. This is getting to the point where I don’t even freak out anymore about gains. I do the same thing week after week and have no idea what the scale is going to say.

I’m not even worrying about working for WW anymore. If it happens, it happens. I’m going to tell the Territorial Director to take me off the employment rolls just so I don’t feel like I’m “stealing” from the company by getting the smoothies at half price due to my employee card. It’ll mean paying for the monthly pass again, but I gotta do what I gotta do.

Well, I weighed in today and was down .2. The good news is that I was down, but honestly, .2? It almost doesn’t even count as a loss.

I am not going to go over all the running and the sacrifices, but I’m pretty discouraged. I’m not giving up, of course, because of the job and because this is what I want for myself, but it’s hard to stay motivated when I work hard and see almost no loss. I feel like I’m struggling for nothing.

My leader, who I considered a friend, and cried in front of more than once, has “given her notice.” She has some health problems and need to take care of herself, which I understand, but she’s been the only leader I’ve had since I started, and I don’t know if I can bond with another one. The one we had today was nice, but not “mine” you know? She’s new and won’t be taking that time slot. She said we’ll have some other subs until they can get us someone permanently.

I guess I’ll go to the gym tonight. I’m not giving up the running with Beloved, but I have to get some more activity points. I have been using Mondays as a “cheat” day, but it screws up my tracking of my points, so today I did, and I REALLY need the activity points.

Sigh. My leader (the one who left) said this isn’t supposed to be stressful, but it is for me!

Today was the day I had my interview with Weight Watchers for a job. I REALLY want to be a leader – I love talking in front of people and I think doing that job would be really fun. A few weeks ago, my WW leader gave some of us a sheet about a questionnaire for people interested in working for them. I took the survey and earlier this week I got an email with a job application and an interview was set up for today.

The interview was a little stressful even though the woman doing it said no pressure, but I felt an incredible amount of pressure. The other two women there both worked outside the home so they had great answers for questions like, “Tell me a time you had to think on your feet,” or “Tell me about a time you had to change your approach to achieve something.”

I ended up answering a lot of the questions using examples from my time as president of HeartLA. I also couldn’t say much about making a schedule and keeping it, because as a mom it’s nearly impossible to keep to a schedule – kids get sick or forget something and I have to drive to the school or Beloved sends me an email about some stupid bureaucratic problem with our medical payments or something and those things have to take priority over whatever I had planned.

I’m sure I sounded like a complete loser.

Anyway, after the interview she said that according to the questionnaire, my skills lead me to receptionist rather than leader. Okay, I know I’m still about 26 pounds from my goal weight and that may be the reason I shouldn’t be a leader just yet, but it felt like a blow. I mean, I love speaking in front of people and I’m good at it! I emceed our luncheon last year and everyone said how wonderful I did and now that I’m co-president again, Elaine said she was relieved that we have me again as emcee. I really believe God has given me the ability to speak in front of people and I know that the Holy Spirit has used me in this way many times.

Anyway, I’m happy that they offered me (all three of us, actually) a job and I’ll be working for WW soon, but I’m disappointed about the leader thing. I’m going to work hard and get to my goal weight and try to “work my way up” to leader.

Next week is our 21st anniversary, but Beloved and the Boy leave that night for an Indian Guides campout, so we decided to go out tonight and celebrate. We went to Olive Garden after I carefully went online and looked at a bunch of restaurants and their nutritional information (not sure I’ll EVER eat at Macaroni Grill again – nearly everything was over 1,000 calories!). I knew what I was going to order, I knew how many points I had left and I even had dessert and tonight I have 1.5 points left!

Unfortunately, I’m stuffed and I think that’s affecting my mood. I also didn’t sleep well Thursday night (I hate menopause insomnia) and went to Adoration last night, getting home at around 1:15. My mother called at 8 this morning  because I usually call her on Saturdays but she was going to Cleveland for a sewing and quilting expo or something like that and wouldn’t be home. So, she wanted to call me and let me know. However, that meant I didn’t get to sleep as long as I normally on Saturday mornings, so being tired might be part of the problem.

Anyway, I know God has something wonderful for me and since I prayed about the interview and stuff last night in front of the Blessed Sacrament, I’m sure this is what He wants. Maybe it will make me more motivated to actually get my weight down to where I want it, and I’m sure something wonderful will happen because of this.

I just wish I could feel excited now.

It hasn’t been a good couple of days here. First off, Saturday night Beloved and the Girl had a major fight when he asked her to do the dishes. It’s kind of an ongoing fight around her to get her to do her chores, and she has some kind of issue with people knocking on her bedroom door. She literally yells “What?” whenever anyone knocks. I should say when her parents knock. She knows when it’s the Boy and doesn’t yell at him. It gets a little annoying when I’m scared to knock to see what she wants to drink for dinner for fear she’ll snap my head off.

Anyway, this fight was a bad one and pretty much lasted until…well, kind of, until now. A cease-fire has been established and relationships are cordial. Beloved still maintains that he will not mention her chores anymore, preferring to do them himself so as to not be a nag, but with that is no allowance for her and no going out with her friends. She, for her part, did work on the dishes after dinner and hasn’t yelled at anyone today.

This morning I woke up depressed. I think being in that menopausal state means that my hormones are messed up (Beloved calls it puberty in reverses) so some days I’m just depressed.

Well, I did all my weights yesterday – something I haven’t done in a while – and my entire body from inner thigh to triceps ache from the effort, so I didn’t go to the gym this morning. Beloved and I have a date to go tomorrow evening.

Weight watchers was a disaster. Up 2.2 pounds. I wanted to quit right then and there. I haven’t been tracking but I didn’t think I did that badly. I made it to the gym three times – twice for cardio – so I guess I got a little cocky and figured I was safe.

This afternoon I was working on my book and my computer froze up three times, meaning, I think, that I might have lost some of my work and I’m not happy about it.

Beloved and the Girl went to choir practice tonight and stopped at the grocery store. He bought me a red silk rose. Isn’t that nice?

If there is anyone out there, I could really use some encouragement and cheering up.