Lowering the Feed Limit

We went to Greenwood Plantation Saturday for a romantic overnight stay. It was wonderful, and beautiful as you can see from the picture above. We didn’t actually stay in the plantation itself but on the other side of a small lake, but we toured the plantation house twice and took a ton of pictures. I have an idea for a new book, this one a ghost story.

The biggest problem with this trip was that when I came back I’d gained 2.2 pounds. Beloved said not to worry; we were going to handle it, but you know, if you’re struggling to lose weight, you do worry.

A week ago, I’d been the lowest I’d been since the start of the year and here it is MAY and I’d finally gotten 7 pounds down. In one weekend I messed up it all.

Yes, it was a special occasion (it was my 50th birthday gift and Mother’s day), but that doesn’t matter or it shouldn’t. I should be able to do what everyone else can do. I should be able to lose 1 pound a week, but you know, I celebrate losses of .4. It’s pathetic.

I’ve been doing Weight Watchers for THREE YEARS, and YAY, I’ve lost 5 STINKIN’ POUNDS. I feel like giving up.

A few weeks ago, we went to Cheeburger Cheeburger, a yummy 50s style restaurant. The Girl loves it and she was right. It was fun and delicious.

However, nearly every other person in the place was overweight. Not a little. Not like, “I can stand to lose 20 pounds.” I’m talking Biggest Loser Week 1 heavy! I felt terrible sitting there. Was I going to look like that if I eat there?

Then there was this weird thought in my head. I looked at some of those people and I thought, “They don’t count points. They don’t worry about what they eat. They could have a chocolate peanut butter milkshake without feeling guilty.”

It seems like there was a freedom there. My biggest stumbling block is that food TASTES good and that’s what gets me eating when I’m not hungry. That’s what makes me want something fried and yummy but high in points. It’s what keeps me staring at my reflection and despairing that I’ll never get to my goal weight.

Then I watch the Biggest Loser and listen to these people talk about how unhappy they were when they were heavy. I listen to Jillian trying to get to the core of why they let themselves get this way and honestly, I can’t see some deep seated reason for me. I didn’t live through my parents’ divorce or watch my parents both eat until they were over 300 pounds. I don’t have a psychological reason for eating – I’m not trying to hide behind fat.

I lost 40 pounds on Atkins before my transplant and I kept it off for about 2 years. Then the prednisone and other drugs made it easy to gain the weight back. Now, I’m taking Prograf and according to Drugs.com one of the less common side effects in kidney transplant patients is weight gain. Is it possible that I’m fighting a losing battle?

I don’t want to use that as an excuse, and in July when I talk to my nephrologist I will ask him about it. I know I don’t track well enough. I hate tracking and I know that’s the problem. I just feel like when I have to write everything down, it means no more eating out, no more going to someone else’s house and eating. How can WW be a lifestyle if it means I never can do those things?

Seems like every weekend something comes up that sabotages the week. This weekend we have a wedding reception to go to, but fortunately, it’s at an Indian restaurant and I’m not a big fan of Indian food, so maybe I won’t eat much.

Today, I did some weights at the Y. I’ve let the weight training go because I don’t get points for that, but the last meeting was about metabolism and how important strength training is, so I’m trying to add more to increase my metabolism.

We’ll see how this next week goes.

Food/Exercise/points

Beginning – 21

My regular smoothie for breakfast but we don’t have skim milk so I used 2%. The points booklet that comes with point calculator and all that says 2% is only 2 points but the complete food companion says 3. Anyway, I figured 7 points for the smoothie. More than I normally eat for BF but I’m being honest today and it was 2% milk.

– 14 points

Slim-a-bear fudge bar – 1 point

– 13 points

Salad – 5 points

– 8 points

Another fudge bar – 1 point

– 7 points

Ham Sandwich – 2 points for bread/3 for 2.5 ounces of ham – 5 points

– 2 points

30 minutes of bike riding – 4 points

– 6 points

WW ice cream – 2 points/banana – 2 points/ff whipped topping 1 point – 5 points for dessert

– 1 point

———————

Mood:

I was up .2 this week which I guess isn’t surprising given that:

1. I ate Easter candy

2. We went to a BBQ on Thursday

3. I went out with a friend to a Chinese buffet on Saturday

4. I didn’t track.

Okay, I did a TON of exercise this past week which is a good thing or I’d have been up more.

I’m not sure I’ll be able to do the same this week, but I am going to try. I’m also going to track better, and I hope this blog will help keep me accountable.

I lost over 2 pounds, net, after Christmas and New Years. 2.4 actually. I was happy with that, and my daughter, who was my “coach” for those two weeks was pretty proud of me, even if I did gain .4 after New Years.

So I weighed in today.

Up 1.2.

Crud.

I know exactly what I did to mess up.

1. I didn’t track after about Tuesday. I tried to keep track in my head, since alot of what I eat is stuff I eat every day. I pretty much know the points. However,

2. I ate peanuts and chocolate chips. A lot. More peanuts than chocolate chips, but that’s not any better.

It’s a big deal to admit this here as I know my husband reads this and he didn’t know this stuff. If he looks in the backseat of the van, he’ll see a half empty peanut can. Now, to be fair, it had been open already and was about a quarter gone when I went to pick up the Boy from school. I nibbled while I sat in the carpool line.

The reason it’s in the backseat is not because I tried to hide it but I wanted to get it as far away from as I could so I wouldn’t eat anymore than I did.

I know tracking works. I know it’s the only thing that does. Why don’t I do it?

Why do I beat myself up and feel like a failure all the time? (Yes, this kinda is a change of subject.)

This next birthday, in about 6 weeks, is a big milestone. I hesitate to actually write out the number because it feels so close to OLD.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about my life and what I want to change. You know, I keep thinking that by this time of my life, I should be more together than I am. I should be established in a career, I should have given up my insecurities, I should stop wishing I were stunningly beautiful, I should feel better about who I am.

I don’t feel, in any way, together.

I know lots of people think I am. I’m a published author, I’m a cancer survivor and transplant recipient, I’m a creative woman.

But, deep down, I am still that girl in high school no boy wanted to go out with, the popular kids ignored, the one everyone just thought was a brain.

I want to be “hot” and at my age, that can’t happen anymore. I look at my daughter and she’s gorgeous and I feel like I missed out on that.

I know it shouldn’t matter. I’m happily married to a man who thinks I’m beautiful. Why can’t I be content with that?

Some of this has been brought on by old high school pictures someone put up on facebook. Lots of pictures from the yearbooks. Not one of me.

It was a small high school. All the kids in these pictures knew me. Some considered me a friend, but now it’s like i was invisible and this has brought back some old insecurities.

Add that to my getting older and I’m doing a lot of looking at myself and I don’t always like what I see.

Enough of this.

Maybe I’ll feel better tomorrow.

I haven’t updated this in so long. I’m sure no one is reading.

There’s a long story about my thyroid and battling thyroid cancer and all that that maybe someday I’ll put here.

Today I go back to Weight Watchers after about a month and I start over.

I haven’t posted in a while, but I honestly think it doesn’t matter too much. I’m sure there aren’t many readers out there and the ones that are there probably get tired of hearing my fuss about this.

I’m still trying to loss that last five pounds in order to be able to start training to work for Weight Watchers. I also found out today that the temp leader we’ve been having is going to be permanent and I’m glad because I think I can “work” with her.

Last Monday I was up 1.2 (I’d been lazy in the tracking thing), but I’d lost 1.4 the week before THAT, so I felt okay about everything. Turns out that all the people that stayed for the meeting, at least the ones open enough to talk and laugh about it, were up, so we did a lot of laughing about would the receptionist ever announce that “this week we gained 5 pounds!”? It was the kind of meeting I like, when we talk and laugh together and kinda bond.

This week, I was good. I tracked everything. I worked out and made choices based on my points and really tried.

I was up 3.6 pounds! The only explanation I can come up with is we had ham barbeque last night, which was made in the crock pot with deli ham. I had two sandwiches (had done 65 minutes on the bike at the Y – 9 points) so I could handle it points-wise, but I realized today it was probably FILLED with sodium. What a dumbo! (to quote Donna Nobel from Doctor Who)

The upshot of this is that now I’m EIGHT pounds from 165, the weight I have to be to even think about working for WW.

I know there are some of you (one?) who are wondering why I even still want to work for them. To be honest, my excitement about this is waning. I really thought I’d be at 165 by the end of the summer, and friends, I have been trying. My family will tell you I have, but at this point, no matter how well I track, work out and make good choices, I have no idea when I head to the weigh-in on Monday whether the scale will be up or down.

Sometimes it’s down and I think, Yea, I’ve figured this out, but I do the same or better the next week and the numbers go up. I worry that even if I do get to the goal weight I can stay there. I’m sure menopause has something to do with and of course, apparently there is a thyroid problem (the endocrinologist wants to take it out, too, so that’s probably what will happen over Christmas break – yea.)

The good thing is I’ve stopped crying about it. Today I’m tempted, of course. I mean, THREE POUNDS, almost FOUR?? How do I recover from that??

But, I feel like there’s no option. I mean, I could quit WW altogether, but then where will I be? Back at 188 in no time, I’m sure. I mean, I do know how to make good choices and all that, but if I try to do it by myself, as my sister-in-law is doing, I know it wouldn’t last two weeks, and I’d be back to grazing whenever I feel like it. At least tracking makes me think about my food intake.

I am discouraged, but as I say at the top, I’m coping. I will brush myself off and keep going, but I wonder if I really ever will see my goal weight as all the leaders keep promising.

I haven’t given up on Weight Watchers. I got a nice note from someone who reads this, which amazes me – that someone reads this, I mean – and she was concerned because I sounded so discouraged about the slowness of my weight loss. She recommended interval training, which according to what I’ve read in my own research and talking to Beloved, is something worth pursuing. I don’t know that I can make it the only thing in my exercise plan: I just can’t “live” on only four extra activity points (half an hour work out) three or four times a week.

Not a recommended work out plan!

However, I did it once last week and then the next time I worked out I did the same kind of thing for half an hour and then finished up 45 minutes on the bike (45 minutes total including the half hour she suggested). I was down 1.8 this Monday! I didn’t blog last week, but I was down .8 that weigh-in.

I didn’t get any workouts in this past weekend because I was at BabelCon, a local sci-fi/fantasy con, where I sat at a merchant table with two other local authors. I sold 8 books, so I was pretty happy and got my picture taken with several celebrities:

Me with Brave Knights

Darth Vader was, of course, there.

John Hertzler played Chancellor Martok on Deep Space Nine. He was/is my favorite Klingon (next to Worf, of course) and in my mind the most romantic.

Here’s what he said about his wife when talking to Worf about marriage:

“We are not accorded the luxury of choosing the women we fall in love with. Do you think Sirella is anything like the woman I thought I’d marry? She is a mercurial, arrogant, prideful woman who shares my bed far too infrequently for my taste. And yet… I love her deeply. We Klingons often tout our prowess in battle and our desire for honor and glory above all else… but how hollow is the sound of victory without someone to share it with. And Honor gives little comfort to a man alone in his home… and in his heart. “

I mean, come on. How could you not want to be next to this man? And he called me “baby,” so what are you going to do?

My friend, and fellow author, Jo Templeton, and me with Richard Hatch of two different kinds of Battlestar Galactica!

This week has been going well. I’m working on a new book and pretty excited about it. I’ll talk a little more about it at The Romancechick Speaks.

.

Well, I did it again. I did everything right (so I thought). I tracked, made sure I drank my water, exercised.

Up 1 pound.

I was SO DISCOURAGED! Honestly, I might not have stayed for the meeting if my friend Jeri hadn’t been with me. I told the receptionist that this was impossible. I have been working hard for two weeks and have been up both weeks. Now I need to lose SIX pounds to get where I need to be to work for  Weight Watchers. I seriously wonder if I shouldn’t have even applied.

However, God always has a plan and He answered my prayers about this. Our regular leaders, who is the woman who interviewed me and offered me the job, wasn’t there today. Instead, we had the Territorial Manager!

The receptionist, Laura, asked me if I wanted to talk to Theresa, and I said I did because for the last few weeks Beloved has asked me why I don’t talk to someone and I didn’t realize that I could stay after the meeting to talk. I know, probably stupid, but today I decided I really needed to figure out what’s going on.

Theresa was wonderful. I got kinda emotional because I feel like I’m failing. I mean it took me from August to the first of the year to lose THREE stinkin’ pounds and I still haven’t lost the next three, and I’ve regained. It’s a mess.

Plus, the stress of worrying that someone is going to step forward and say, “Hey you can’t lose the five pounds you need to lose to start training? How are you ever going to get to your goal?”

First thing Theresa said when I told her that I am a new hire and I want to be a leader was, “I want you to be one.” We talked and she said that I don’t owe her anything and I should stop stressing about the time it’s taking me to lose this. She said it’s my journey and my experience will help someone else someday.

Then we talked about what I’ve been eating and what I’ve been doing and she suggested that (1) the stress I feel every week about this might be keeping weight on and (2) I really need to eat more! That blew me away, but she’s right in that every week I try to eat a little less and I don’t use, usually, even half my weekly allowance points. It’s possible that since I’m working out so much (yesterday I did an hour and a half to make up for a wedding reception on Saturday) that I need to eat all my points so my body doesn’t hold on to things.

She asked if I could feel a difference in my clothes and I said all week I’ve been walking around saying that I feel smaller. She said she thinks I’m doing everything right but I need to relax a little. She did say we might have to work hard when I do get to goal in the maintenance part so I don’t gain too easily.

She suggested that today I do a “blow out” (her words) and use 20 of my weekly points allowance. So, we went to Cold Stone and had ice cream. I figured out that mine was 23 points!!! AHHH! That seems so wrong, but you know I’ll be careful the rest of the week and I’ll hit the gym tomorrow.

Maybe it’ll shock my system and I can get back on track. Theresa said she expects that when the weight does come off I’ll drop two or three pounds. Here’s hopin’!

I weighed in today. I was up 1.2. I am so frustrated I cried in the car and when I got home. I did everything right. I wrote everything down. I watched my points. I just don’t know what happened, unless the popcorn I had last night at the movies (got a much smaller portion than I normally would have and had NO butter) had salt and I’m retaining fluid. I even wrote that stuff down.

I feel like I’ll never lose these five pounds so I can actually start receptionist training. I only needed to lose 3.8 and now all that’s shot to hell. Sometimes I think it would be better to just not try to work for them at all.

Things have really been hectic here. Lots of news, though.

I got hired by Weight Watchers, but because I can never do anything easily, it turns out that possibly I shouldn’t have been.

See, WW has this rule, which makes complete sense, that says that to be hired you have to be within 10 pounds of your goal weight. And I’m not. Not really even close to being 10 pounds from my GOAL weight – 143 lbs. That what I was the morning of my transplant and it’s been kind of a “landmark” for me.

I filled out the questionnaire online, stating honestly that I’m not within that 10 pounds range, but I got an interview anyway. I was honest all the way through and still was offered a job. I figured they really need people in the Baton Rouge area.

I went to my first training session and knew something was odd when all the other women there were at lifetime, and here I am, at last weigh in, 24 pounds from my goal. I realized that when they say “goal” they mean the healthy range for your height. For me that’s 155-124 (that last number may be off a bit). Well, at 168, at last weigh in, I’m not that far now. Only three pounds and I’ll be within 10 of the range.

So, as of this writing, I’ve gotten my employee ID card, policies and procedure manual and I’m getting emails from the territory manager and all that, but I haven’t heard anything about the next step, mentoring.

Last night I got an email from the woman who interviewed me (and who is now going to be the leader at my regular Monday afternoon meetings) asking a bunch of us how mentoring is going. I sent her an email back, telling her I haven’t heard anything about mentoring, and she says they are just waiting for me to hit 165. It would have been nice if I’d known that.

However, I was gone this past weekend in Ohio at my mom’s surprise 80th birthday party, so I missed last Monday’s weigh in. And I was sick before that so I haven’t been to the gym in almost two weeks. I have to get there today because I really need to hit that weight number!

And they say this shouldn’t be stressful!! It seems it’s taking me a long time to lose a simple five pounds!

I went to my first training session with Weight Watchers. I was very excited, but my enthusiasm waned a bit when I realized that Google Maps had given me the wrong directions to the training place, which was about an hour from here. Fortunately, Beloved is a wonderful husband and did some searching on the Internet, found the right place and relayed the directions to me on my cell. I was only about 15 minutes late and they hadn’t started, much, yet.

The training was interesting, mostly “theoretical” if you can say that about customer service. A lot about the history of the company and the philosophy and like that.

There were about nine of us at the training and I was the only one who was NOT at goal weight. Again, that impostor complex I have crept up and I asked about it. The trainer, Tina, said they do hire people withing 10 pounds of their goal, and that, it turns out is defined as your healthy weight range. For me that’s 155-126 or something like that. I know the upper end is 155, so within 10 pounds would be 165, but that’s still 5 pounds less than what I weigh now.

She said she would check on this; there might be a loophole she doesn’t know about or something. I really felt like crying because I’m sure, again, that a mistake was made and I shouldn’t have been hired. Since there’s only 5 pounds left to lose until I’m “hire-able,” the other ladies were wonderful and told me that before I finish training, those pounds will be gone.

I sure hope so, I’ve been working my butt off (but clearly not literally) since I had that interview. I was up 1.2 last weigh-in, and I’ve been very careful this week.

I ran again this week and found out that my running speed is 3.6 miles/hour – I think that qualifies as horribly pathetic. I mean, my husband walks at that speed! So, he’s offered to help me get faster. Not that I want to race or anything, but on the WW points tracker, a 15+ minute mile is not really considered high intensity exercise.

So yesterday, Beloved had the day off as our daughter was inducted into the National Honor Society at a Mass at her school. After we got home from that, we went to the gym and he put me on the treadmill and set the speed at 3.6. Every quarter of a mile, I raised the speed .2, except the last one. I was at 4.1, sweat was pouring off my face and I thought I’d never make it, so I never got to 4.2 My average speed was 3.8, and he was proud of me.

Then we went up to the indoor track which is over the basketball court and 15 times around is a mile. The deal was I would run 2 laps at my regular speed (with him walking next to me – a little demoralizing, but I figured I can’t worry about what other people think – I’m not a runner and they don’t know how hard I’m working), but the third lap I had to run as fast as I could. The first time, I barely sped up, but by the last lap, I ran fast enough that he actually had to jog to keep up.

When that was done, he smiled and said, “I’m thinkin’ you’re not up for another go at the treadmill.” He was right, but I had run two miles! That’s the most I’ve run in years – maybe 4 or 5.

I did something dumb this morning. I stepped on our scale. I KNOW! I shouldn’t have. It’s about 10 pounds lighter than WW’s and not notoriously accurate, but I just wanted to see how things were going and it had me at 163, which means, if it’s right, I’ll be up 3 pounds on Monday! I can’t see how that’s possible, but I’m stressing a bit anyway.

Tomorrow is the Boy’s birthday party, and of course there will be pizza and cake. I guess I won’t have any. Beloved said they will save cake and pizza for me until after my weigh-in on Monday.

Well, I have to run to get stuff for the party. See you all later.