Lowering the Feed Limit

I am not a failure.

I am not a failure.

I am not a failure.

If I tell myself this enough, maybe I’ll believe it.

I hate going to the gym.

Well, not HATE, exactly, but I really have to work to get myself to go. And today I’m feeling really awful about myself.

If you read this blog much, and I know no one really does because I don’t update it, you know that I often don’t feel good about myself. At least that’s what it seems like if you read these posts. Seems like the only time I update is when I’m feeling down.

Maybe it is the only time. Then, fine, that’s when I do it. Maybe that’s because that’s when I feel the need to write all this junk out.

About six or seven weeks ago, my mother died. And, darn it, I miss her!

Anyway, I was doing great, weight wise, before that. I was 10 pounds from my goal weight and the lowest I’d been in years! I was feeling great about myself and confident that I could do this.

Then I had a whirlwind of travel, funerals (she had two – one in Ohio where she lived and one in PA where she grew up and where she raised us kids and where her family is), and FOOD. Families do that, you know. They feed you.

Anyway, after being away from Weight Watchers about two weeks, I’d only gained two pounds, which I felt was pretty good, given everything.

However, I haven’t been able to get back on track since then.

I’ve been having some minor back/hip pain which my chiropractor says could be stress related – since, of course, there’s been some stress. However, my appointments with her have been at the same time as the fun classes at the Y – hip hop and kickboxing. I love the classes and they push me in ways I wouldn’t myself. I took two of the classes before I went to see the chiropractor and since she wants to see me every other day until the pain is gone, I’ve missed the classes since then (they are on Mon, Wed, and Fridays – same as my appt.).

I’m still wearing my bodybugg and wanting to get back on track, but today I feel like it’s not happening and that goes for so much else in my life right now.

Tomorrow my father-in-law and I are flying up to Ohio again and renting a truck to drive a bunch of my mom’s stuff back here. I guess some of what I’m feeling is that I have to face all that, and while I know it’s all a part of the grieving process and all, I, frankly, wish it were all behind me.

Add to that all the normal stresses of being a mom and right now I feel overwhelmed. No wonder I want to eat and then just curl up on a bed and read a book!

Well, I have been given ONE task to do today – instead of trying to do everything. I need to mail an appeal to our insurance company and then I’m going to the gym and try to get some exercise in.

Pray for me. And thanks for stopping by.

I haven’t updated for awhile but not because things have been going badly. In fact, since getting my bodybugg, my weight has pretty consistently gone down. Today, I’m at 165# which is ten pounds from my Weight Watchers goal. I’d really like to get to 143, but I can start working for Weight Watchers at 155.

Last year at this time, I wanted to be at this weight, but I didn’t get here. I lost my motivation after that and then I had that problem with thyroid surgery and then discovering that I had had cancer and needed to go through radiation treatment.

However, now it feels like it’s really going to happen this time. I know it’s not over when I get to my goal weight. First of all, I want to keep going and get to 143, maybe 140, but if I can see 155, I’ll be thrilled!

It isn’t just because I’d love to work for Weight Watchers, but there is this person I know who talks almost all the time about how she’s trying to lose weight, but folks, she’s not. I see her more these days and I see confirmation of what I already knew. She has dessert at every meal even after two or more helpings of whatever the main dish was.

I know I was probably the same way before, but my thinking has changed about what is a healthy portion or what “being full” feels like. I keep hoping that she’ll see my success at this weight loss and she’ll want it, too.

She doesn’t walk well because of a past problem and I know that if she loses some weight, she’ll walk better and her overall health will be better. She’s so much less active now than she used to be.

I love this woman and it would be so sad if something could be done for her overall health and she’s just not willing to do it.

Anyway, I know she’s not ready to do anything but all I can do is keep plodding on and praying that she’ll see how happy I am about this and take it to heart.

What
is it about Thursdays?

I’ve
noticed something over the last month or so. I can do so well
counting points or calories Monday through Wednesday. I get weighed
in on Mondays so I’m all revved up and excited to track and stay
within my points range (or calories now with the Bodybugg) but
something happens on Thursdays. Every week. I don’t even have to
realize what day it is and generally I don’t consciously think about
it being Thursday until I see that I’m hungry all day, even if I eat
exactly the same stuff I did yesterday.

On
Thursdays, I’m more likely to feel the need for a mid-morning snack,
something I never have any other day of the week.

On
Thursdays, my normal lunchtime salad, which I love and will even have
at dinner sometimes when the family’s having something more calorie
filled, just doesn’t appeal to me.

On
Thursdays, I’ll find myself wandering around the kitchen, just
wanting “something.”

I
can’t explain it.

I
do fine the rest of the week. I’ll stay in my calorie range over the
weekend, and to be honest, while I didn’t eat right today, I still
have my normal deficit because I walked/ran a mile while the Boy had
basketball practice. I think because I’m aware of the Thursday Thing,
I moved more while making dinner and other times during the day.

Still,
I wish I could explain it. Ideas?

Oh,
and for those of you wondering, I was down another two pounds this
week! Even my Weight Watcher leader noticed that I’ve finally
“figured it out.”

Well, I’ve finished my second full week wearing this little gem.

Last week I figured I’d lose about 1.5 pounds so when I lost only .2 I was pretty upset. I couldn’t figure it out.

On Thursday, I had my coaching session with a Bodybugg coach. She walked me through the website and showed me some things I didn’t know about even with all my playing around on the site. She also said to give things another week and see what we might need to change.

Well, I started weighing my food after talking to her because, as she said, I might have been underestimating how big a portion I’m eating.

Well, what I found explains EVERYTHING – all the problems I’ve been having getting to my goal, all the weeks I should have been down and wasn’t, EVERYTHING!

Popcorn has more calories than I ever could have imagined.

I LOVE popcorn and clearly was underestimating how much of it I eat. I looked one night at how many calories I had left and thought I would figure out how much popcorn I could have. Turned out to be about two handfuls!

Not even a bowl full.

Seeing this, I realized that at least twice a week, I was eating half a big bowl (shared with Beloved), and I was assuming it was only a few cups and totally messing up the points (on WW) or calories.

This week I weighed everything (well, after Thursday’s coaching session).

I lost THREE pounds this week!!! Three pounds!!!

And that was being sick yesterday and not really being able to exercise much. We went to Pizza Hut on Friday and I went out with my writers’ group on Saturday! And I lost 3 pounds!

I love this little thing!!!

Okay, so it sounds like something you’d need to see a doctor for, but after having this thing for only two full days, I’m convinced it’s going to help me finally get a handle on this weight loss thing.

I first heard of the Bodybugg because I’m a Biggest Loser addict and this season (I think) I heard them talk about how the contestants all wore one and I saw a couple of them on the arms of people on the show.

I checked out the website and saw a little bit about what this little gadget can do.

I showed the information to my husband. He knows how much I’ve been struggling with my weight.

In 1999, I lost 40+ pounds doing the Atkins diet, under the supervision of a doctor in the Atkins Center in New York City. And just so you know, it wasn’t just unlimited meat and fat, and it was very restrictive for me due to my kidney situation.

Anyway, I kept that weight off for two years until I had my kidney transplant in 2001. Then, due to the strong meds I have to take, I gained it all back.

So, since 2005, when we moved to Baton Rouge, I’ve been trying to find a way to get back to my pre-transplant weight.

I’ve been doing Weight Watchers for three years and I love this program. I love the support of the meetings, I love the good nutrition information and the whole “This is a life style” approach to healthy eating.

When I did Atkins, I didn’t enjoy the “diet.” I enjoyed that the weight came off quickly and I had so much energy, but the idea of eating like that forever just freaked me out.

Never again have a bagel? Never be able to have a cupcake or muffin? And, frankly, the Aktins bars made me gag. (This was 10 years ago and things may have changed. This is just my opinion based on what I experienced then.)

The doctor I saw talked about eating this restrictive way for the rest of my life and I knew I wasn’t going to.

So, when we moved here, I took a couple of weight loss classes at our local Y and I never really learned anything new about food, but I learned about the cardio machines and I loved the group atmosphere – knowing other people who were going through the same thing.

And I did lose some weight with that.

However, our instructor got pregnant and stopped the weight loss classes.

I thought I knew what I needed to do so I figured I could do it on my own.

Well, as you can figure out, given this blog, I couldn’t do it on my own.

I stopped logging food, slacked off on the exercise and kinda gave up.

I realized I needed some kind of support. My sister-in-law was doing Weight Watchers so I suggested to my husband that I try that.

After joining WW, I got to -18 pounds at one point and I really wanted to work for WW. But I just, for whatever reason, couldn’t lose that last few pounds I needed.

I’m back on the program now, and I’ve been doing pretty well. For the last two weeks I’ve done better tracking and have lost.

My husband has been talking about getting me a Bodybugg for awhile, and Friday when he came home from work he gave it to me.

Apparently, he’d ordered it without telling me and it was at our front door and I didn’t know it.

This cute little electronic gadget straps to my upper arm, against my tricep muscle, and it keeps track of all the calories I’m burning all the time. It uses body temp, air temp, heart rate and other body indicators to calculate my calorie burn.

BodyBugg

Then with a USB cable I can download that information into my computer and it shows me, in 15 minute intervals, the number of calories per minute – on average – I burned at that time.

It can also show me how many steps I’ve taken. It’s interesting to look at the chart and see that I took three steps at 3 am while I was asleep!

Beloved likes to look with me and figure out how many calories I burned cleaning the guinea pig cages or going to Mass. He’s actually jealous now. Hee Hee.

Like other weight loss programs, I need to log my food and then the program figures out what my calorie surplus or deficit is. Of course, to lose weight I need a deficit. So far, for the weekend, I had an almost 2000 calorie deficit.

The neat thing about this is, I’m aware that it’s tracking the calories all the time so I want to be more active. I know that typing on the computer isn’t burning very much, so already today, I’ve folded a load of laundry and swept the deck, just to get a little extra calories burned.

Always before, when I was only counting points, I was dependent on how intense I thought an exercise was. I could ride my bike at home and assume it was high intensity, but as the monitor on the bike is broken, I don’t know how fast or how far I rode. I think I overestimated my exercise points sometimes.
With the Bodybugg I can’t really do that. On the other hand, WW doesn’t give you many exercise points for weight training but my informal survey seems to indicate that I work off almost the same amount of calories lifting as walking.

I intend to say with Weight Watchers because I love the support system and their plan is something you can live with. I like actually tracking calories rather than points, though.

So far, I’ve only had this toy two days, so I can’t say whether I”ve lost any weight using it. I do have a weigh-in in a little while, but this won’t be an accurate test, but we’ll see how next week goes.

Yesterday was weigh-in day, and I was down 1.6. Yay.

Except that I’m not excited about it. Yes, it’s a loss, and while it wouldn’t win me any prizes on the Biggest Loser, it’s not an insignificant acheivement.

The problem is I don’t trust it. Oh, I trust the WW scale and I believe I did the work and counted the points and all, so I believe it’s a legitimate loss, and not one to be sneezed at given that it was over two weeks, one of which my in-laws were here which means not eating like we normally do.

What I don’t trust is that it will last. My past experience has shown that I can do the same stuff two weeks in a row with different results. I’m going to be as good as I can this week and see what happens. As far as I can tell, nothing is going on this weekend that threatens to sabotage things, so maybe I can have another god week.

We’ll see.

Yesterday was weigh-in day, and I gained .8 pound, For those keeping track, that’s a gain of 3 pounds in two weeks. I didn’t have time to worry about it because we had a conference with the Boy’s teacher, principal, resource person, etc. I’ll write about that in my other blog, The Romancechick Speaks.

Anyway, i need to track. That’s my biggest issue. So, yesterday, I went to Weight Watchers’ website and started scrupulous tracking everything I ate. I did discover that I probably overestimate the size of servings. My regular salad had to be cut back a little – not the vegetables, but the bacon bits and the chow mein noodles. I almost took them out completely, but instead I measured them with a actual measuring cup, not my hand. I enjoyed the salad even if it wasn’t the same as I would have made before, but I didn’t feel like I missed anything.

Then we had spaghetti for dinner and I kept all the packages and added the points. I had a small serving and was actually amazed at how much my husband and father-in-law took. I know I would have taken more if I hadn’t been being so aware of what my points were.

Yes, my in-laws are here, looking at houses, and that means we’ll probably go out tomorrow night. It’s the end of the school year for the Boy and if he can continue getting “goods” today and tomorrow, we’ll take him to Cheeburger,  Cheeburger. Looking it up online shows me that either I skip this night out or do a major amount of exercise. I’ve pretty much come to the conclusion that I can’t use my weekly allowance points if I want to lose weight.

Anyway, we’ll see how this week – oh, I’m sorry, two weeks as next Monday the office will be closed for Memorial Day – goes.

We went to Greenwood Plantation Saturday for a romantic overnight stay. It was wonderful, and beautiful as you can see from the picture above. We didn’t actually stay in the plantation itself but on the other side of a small lake, but we toured the plantation house twice and took a ton of pictures. I have an idea for a new book, this one a ghost story.

The biggest problem with this trip was that when I came back I’d gained 2.2 pounds. Beloved said not to worry; we were going to handle it, but you know, if you’re struggling to lose weight, you do worry.

A week ago, I’d been the lowest I’d been since the start of the year and here it is MAY and I’d finally gotten 7 pounds down. In one weekend I messed up it all.

Yes, it was a special occasion (it was my 50th birthday gift and Mother’s day), but that doesn’t matter or it shouldn’t. I should be able to do what everyone else can do. I should be able to lose 1 pound a week, but you know, I celebrate losses of .4. It’s pathetic.

I’ve been doing Weight Watchers for THREE YEARS, and YAY, I’ve lost 5 STINKIN’ POUNDS. I feel like giving up.

A few weeks ago, we went to Cheeburger Cheeburger, a yummy 50s style restaurant. The Girl loves it and she was right. It was fun and delicious.

However, nearly every other person in the place was overweight. Not a little. Not like, “I can stand to lose 20 pounds.” I’m talking Biggest Loser Week 1 heavy! I felt terrible sitting there. Was I going to look like that if I eat there?

Then there was this weird thought in my head. I looked at some of those people and I thought, “They don’t count points. They don’t worry about what they eat. They could have a chocolate peanut butter milkshake without feeling guilty.”

It seems like there was a freedom there. My biggest stumbling block is that food TASTES good and that’s what gets me eating when I’m not hungry. That’s what makes me want something fried and yummy but high in points. It’s what keeps me staring at my reflection and despairing that I’ll never get to my goal weight.

Then I watch the Biggest Loser and listen to these people talk about how unhappy they were when they were heavy. I listen to Jillian trying to get to the core of why they let themselves get this way and honestly, I can’t see some deep seated reason for me. I didn’t live through my parents’ divorce or watch my parents both eat until they were over 300 pounds. I don’t have a psychological reason for eating – I’m not trying to hide behind fat.

I lost 40 pounds on Atkins before my transplant and I kept it off for about 2 years. Then the prednisone and other drugs made it easy to gain the weight back. Now, I’m taking Prograf and according to Drugs.com one of the less common side effects in kidney transplant patients is weight gain. Is it possible that I’m fighting a losing battle?

I don’t want to use that as an excuse, and in July when I talk to my nephrologist I will ask him about it. I know I don’t track well enough. I hate tracking and I know that’s the problem. I just feel like when I have to write everything down, it means no more eating out, no more going to someone else’s house and eating. How can WW be a lifestyle if it means I never can do those things?

Seems like every weekend something comes up that sabotages the week. This weekend we have a wedding reception to go to, but fortunately, it’s at an Indian restaurant and I’m not a big fan of Indian food, so maybe I won’t eat much.

Today, I did some weights at the Y. I’ve let the weight training go because I don’t get points for that, but the last meeting was about metabolism and how important strength training is, so I’m trying to add more to increase my metabolism.

We’ll see how this next week goes.

I didn’t update yesterday’s post, but I was down .4 at the weigh in. Yeah, it’s not a lot. In fact it means that in three weeks, I was only down .2.

Still though, since the WW topic was positive thoughts, I will keep in mind that this is the lowest I’ve been since the beginning of the year. Yeah, it’s been 5 months, but I’m already convinced that it’s going to take me years to get down another 10 pounds, the amount I need to lose to start working for WW and then another 10 to be at the top of my healthy weight. AND if you’ve read this blog before, you’ll know I want to lose another 12 pounds after that to be at the weight I was the morning of my kidney transplant.

Today so far, I’ve had 4 points for breakfast and did 41 minutes of stationary bike riding while watching In Plain Sight on Hulu.com.

Now to make my famous/favorite salad!

My most faithful reader reminded me this morning that I should update this blog. I’ve had 4 points his morning with my breakfast.

I’m kinda suffering with a toothache, but I have a dentist appointment for Thursday morning. I took some aspirin this moring and I’m not in a lot of pain right now. I should make it until Thursday.

Wouldn’t it be great if my tooth hurt so much I couldn’t eat? Maybe I’d lose some weight.

See how I titled this post – Another Weigh-in Day. That’s how I think of Mondays now. It’s weigh in day. And you know what, I dread each and every one. For the past two weeks, I’ve pretty much maintained. Two weeks ago I was up .2 and maintained last week. I realize that’s not too bad, but this week I think I was pretty good.

Yes, we went to the parish festival on Friday night, but I only had a cheeseburger – no funnel cake, no junk food.

Then I mowed the lawn on Saturday. Of course, we went to Cheeburger Cheeburger and I had another cheeseburger and some fries, but I think it wasn’t so bad as I had a salad for supper. Then yesterday we went to a confirmation. My daughter was the sponsor for one of her friends and the confir-ee’s mom had gumbo after the service. I had one bowl of gumbo and a tiny piece of cake (probably an inch square and maybe 1.5 inches high – and Beloved had two bites of it including most of the icing) so I’m trying to stay confident about this weigh-in, but I never know. Oh, I also did 35 minutes of cardio yesterday (5 points).

So, we’ll see how things go. I’ll let you know.